PARENTING TIPS

2005-09-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

Parenting Your Teenager: Watch Out for Change Back Behavior

Here's the scene:

Mom and Dad have decided to lay down the law and actually enforce some of the family rules.

They share this with the kids who moan and groan and protest.

Mom and Dad are shocked and bewildered that the kids are not eager to cooperate with the changes.

Something that will never happen

I know it sounds crazy, but we act like we believe it is a reasonable thing to expect. We lay down the law, and we are stunned when our kids do not say, "Oh thank you Mom and Dad, I've been just waiting and hoping and praying that you would get stricter."

Not gonna happen.

And if it does, get in touch with me right away because something is waaaaaaay wrong.

The cost of changing things

When parents decide to tighten up on a few things, the kids realize that the party may be over. Instead of accepting it, they are going to test you, to see if you really mean it. This is called "change back behavior."

The kids are testing you to see if you really mean it and really simply trying to get you to change back to the old system.

This is why it is so important for parents to make sure that whatever changes they begin, that they are ready to see it through for the long haul.

If you start to change things and then give in to the pressure of the change back behavior from the kids, you have made things worse than if you had done nothing at all.

Making changes is a good thing to do. Just mnake sure you stick to your guns.

By Jeff Herring

2005-09-12T01:59:00.000-07:00

Co-Sleeping - Is It Right For You And Your Baby?

Since civilization began, mothers have taken advantage of the convenience of sleeping with their babies. It has only been in the past two centuries among industrialized and Western nations that sleeping separately from your baby has become appropriate. Research shows that infants who share a bed with their mothers cry less often and nurse for longer periods of time. Co-sleeping will provide extra nourishment at night and added protection for your baby. Sleeping with the mother gives the baby a steady supply of feelings and sensations that could possibly compensate for the neurological immaturity an infant has at birth.

Co-sleeping may provide some protections from SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). Infants who sleep with their mothers sleep less soundly and have an increased awareness of the maternal presence. Some SIDS death have been associated with arousal deficiencies in the part of the infant. The increased arousal of the infant by the presence of the mother could make a difference in the number of SIDS deaths experienced in this country each year, although this has yet to be proven scientifically.

The habits of the parents must be considered in determining if co-sleeping is right for a particular baby. Smoking, drugs, or alcohol are the predominant factors in cases where the baby is accidentally smothered. Co-sleeping has been practiced for thousands of years until relatively recently. The benefits of co-sleeping are numerous while the disadvantages are few. Use your own judgment and take into consideration your lifestyle when deciding if co-sleeping is right for you and your baby. The changing views of the past several decades have made the practice of co-sleeping undesirable in some cultures. Our ancestors routinely slept with their babies as a means of protection and convenience. Only you can decide if co-sleeping is appropriate for your family.

By Jennifer Houck

2005-09-12T01:53:00.000-07:00

Teach Your Child to Live for Maximum Potential

At times, everyone feels a little depressed about life, and children are no exception. Just like you, children often experience “the same old grind.” They get up for school, day care, or camp to travel the same road each weekday. Some children even look forward to weekends in the same way their parents do.

How can you put some excitement into life and teach your child to be successful? Sometimes, parents have to be spontaneous and break the routine up a bit for “family time.” Make it a point to eat together and spend quality time doing new things.

Never say negative things about your life or how boring life is for you. Children can really tune into this, and they always copy their parents. They reflect negative thinking and can hold themselves back by worrying about the risk of failure, just like an adult. Instead, teach them about the endless opportunities that arise in every day life.

Life is full of challenges, and your child has to learn to overcome the fear of failure. This is where you come in - by measuring your child’s progress. You should always point toward his, or her, past successes for positive reinforcement.

Remember the story of the “Tortoise and the Hare?” Teach your child that slow and steady always finishes the race. As an adult, you know that finishing anything is a “bench mark” along the road to progress. A child will give up on a challenge, when they are too far out of their “comfort zone.”

Giving up is a last resort. For example: Look down the road at the many challenges your child will face in college, military service, or at work. You want to establish a “track record” of success now.

Even when challenges and problems have your child in a state of fear, you are obligated to encourage your child to move forward and do their “personal best.” Every successful person has had to face their own fear, in order to see the endless daily opportunities that life has to offer.

Teach your child that life is full of excitement - by making the choices of exploring and trying new things, as long as they are reasonably safe activities. The experience of learning is more important than the chance of failure.

The end result will be that your child has positive memories of accomplishment, and the knowledge that he or she can always count on you.

By Paul Jerard

2005-09-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

Finding Your Spirit in the Kitchen Sink

It felt like my nerves were scraping against one another.

It had been one of those rare nights in which everyone had gone to bed at a decent hour and woke up at just the right time. But I felt jangled and all tossed up inside. My eyelids felt like sandpaper and all I wanted to do was crawl into a corner, draw my knees to my chest, and crack open a thick, meaty book, not emerging again until I had turned the very last page.

But it was Wednesday and my little girls had other plans - as they always do.

"Mommy, Callie is getting bigger." Cassidy said.

"Yes, she is honey."

"Mommy, I said 'Callie is getting bigger.'"

"She sure is, honey."

"Callie, Callie, Wallie. You are getting bigger," she sang to the tune of "I'm a Little Teapot."

Normal conversation sounded like shouting, and Cassidy's everyday make-it-up-as-she-goes-along songs seemed way too loud.

I had exhausted everything in my arsenal. For a living, I write articles to help parents celebrate everyday life with young children, to renew our spirits, to revere the process of parenting. But all those little things I write about that never fail to revitalize my spirit had all, well, failed.

One of these techniques - and one that had always worked in the past - is to wheel the kids through the rural Rocky Mountain valley that surrounds my home. A summer stroll straight uphill always gets my heart pumping, my legs burning, and my mind re-centered on joyful mothering. But not today. My everyday panacea was cut short by a nasty, from-out-of-nowhere hail storm.

After a mad dash over the river and through the woods back to our little cabin, I tried another favorite method of returning my mind to the place it should be.

I tried to sink into the presence of my girls. To be grateful for their spirit and their presence by simply focusing on being present with them. There's something about my five-month old that always does it. Callie has reached that magical age at which the only thing she needs on this green and blue rock - beyond the occasional dose of milk - is to look up at you and see a smile.

When she does, her arms and legs start to pinwheel and her face sends forth beams of energy that can only be defined as pure joy. This is no garden-variety grin. What she offers is not so much a smile as it is an "explosion of face." I challenge anyone to stay in a blue funk after looking at that for 15 minutes. It always works. But not today.

Today it is Cassidy who is eliciting such an expression from her sister. Callie is in her swing while I find some dry clothes. Cassidy has decided the mechanical swing isn't doing it. She helps to push.

"That's pushing too hard, honey." I try to keep the sharpness out of my voice.

The swing bumps the wall behind. "Cassidy, she doesn't like that!" I say, just as her sister erupts in giggles.

My credibility is shot. So are my nerves.

"Into the car." I say. "We're going on an adventure." This may sound exciting - and it's meant to - but it's just code for "We're leaving the house." And I hadn't yet decided where we'd end up.

We pull into the parking lot of Mommy's "Special Place." A place they've never been before, though they've seen me enter it enough times as they continue on to the park with their dad. This is the place reserved for my occasional weekend retreats into those thick, meaty books.

It is one of those rare coffee shops with a man behind the counter who is friendly enough to know your name and tuned in enough to know when you don't want to chit-chat.

When we get there, he gives Cassidy a huge cup of cherry vanilla Ben and Jerry's, which melts before she eats it. The spoon leaves a sticky pink trail as it travels from the cup to the table, up to the window, and into her lap, somehow not making it anywhere near her mouth.

I mop the drips with a Kleenex while bouncing Callie, who is a little bored after her sticky-fingered sister finds diversion in a four-year-old who has taken to bouncing up and down the back stairs.

Now I know why I haven't taken them here before. This is my place (a place I hope I'm still welcome). So we climb back in the car. I start to drive slowly. Maybe they'll nap. Nope.

I unload them into the house. What now? My husband and relief pitcher won't be home for hours. That's when I spot my sink, and I think about the Flylady. At http://www.flylady.net, the Flylady offers a helpful system for getting your home organized and orderly, thus stamping out domestic CHAOS, which is Flylady-speak for "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome."

The first chore in Flylady Land is to clean your kitchen sink. The theory is that a shiny sink will give you a sense of accomplishment, even amid your clutter. The Flylady says, "When you get up the next morning, your sink will greet you and a smile will come across your lovely face."

That's a pretty tall promise, but what have I got to lose? Out come the bleach, Comet, Windex, scouring pad, toothbrush, and rubber gloves.

"I want to help," Cassidy says, climbing on the counter and grabbing for the sponge. I mutter something about this being a Mommy Job and march her over to watch a self-made tape of her new hero: Dora the Explorer. Callie goes down for some "tummy time."

Then I scrub that sink until it shines. After 15 minutes, it's as though the silly thing comes alive and winks at me. And a smile does come across my face.

Maybe it was the 15-minute break afforded by Dora the Explorer. Maybe it was the ability to put both my babies down and focus on a project long enough to see it through to its completion. Maybe it was this part of the world, however small, that I could control with a scouring pad and some hot water. But it had some kind of spillover effect to the rest of my day.

In retrospect, I'm really not sure what possessed me. My sink wasn't all that dirty and the last thing I wanted to do on a day like this was clean. But, of all things, cleaning my kitchen sink cleared the air in my little cabin that day.

I've said many times that finding delight in your role as a mother is dependent on your ability to take care of yourself. It's about easing yourself down from the curtains you've been climbing because no one can do it for you. It's about pushing yourself to be mindful amid tasks that so easily lend themselves to mindlessness.

And I never thought I'd say it, but there are days when time spent scrubbing your kitchen sink is time spent honoring yourself.

You know you've found such a task when you can once again feel yourself settling into that core of joy. The place from which you radiate grace and love and light straight from your soul into the soul of your children, the way mothering was meant to be.

This is a reminder that practicing self-care isn't about booking a cruise or a day at the spa. It's about finding the re-centering tool that resonates with you at this very moment, and staying attentive for the cues that point you toward the right one.

The right tool for today will be different than that of yesterday. It's up to you to hunt for it, and to delight in the search.

By Susie Cortright

2005-09-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

I Can't Find My Homework, Mom! "Ask My Dear, and It Shall be Given
to You!"

Do you believe in asking God, or whatever higher power you choose to believe in, for the answers you need, when you need them? Read below for an enlightening story about my 11 year old daughter's missing homework papers.

The problem started when my daughter took a break from her homework to eat dinner. She asked me if she could take it in her room and work on it while watching TV.

(Not a good idea, BTW). Even the best of us moms have our weak moments. :o)

Anyhow, by the time dinner was over, there was no homework to be found.

As with all lost items, I suggested the usual mom replies. "Retrace your steps." "Think, where was the last place you wrote an answer down on it."

She spent 15 minutes of looking, another 10 minutes of tears for fear of getting detention, during her first week of middle school, (for not turning in homework.) All the tears and whining in frustration were followed with another 10 minutes of both of us looking, and still no homework.

Can you relate?

I bet as a mom, you have probably, been there, done that, if not with homework, with a child's shoes, your car keys. etc.....

I had recently been reading and studying up on manifesting your life, and creating the life you want by projecting a positive attitude, following your intuition. I had been real motivated and psyched with what I was learning.

"Okay mom, I thought to myself," "now you can put all this philosophy to the test."

I said,

"Let's kneel down on the floor right now, and ask God to help us find your homework." She started to giggle as if to say, but she knew not to dare say it out loud, "Yeah right, Mom!"

We knelt down and I lead her in a short but to the point prayer. Although small in time, it was still filled with gratitude but we did request immediate help to find her homework.

I can see some of you laughing at me, as this story unfolds.

As soon as we were done, I stood up. I told her to take a deep breath and relax. I did the same. Then I went to the kitchen. I thought to myself, "maybe she was still hungry and brought the homework out here while looking for something else to eat."

I started to walk to the refrigerator. :o) Well who knows, it could have been in there. But before I even got that far, I glanced over to the counter, and there sat her homework packet, on top of the toaster.

I picked it up and took it back to the living room. Now remember, I told her to take a deep breath and relax. She wasn't even through relaxing and I had already found her homework.

Needless to say, my daughter had a hard time believing that I hadn't known it was there all along.

She did know that though, because she had heard my anguish and frustration just minutes earlier with her misplacing it.

Was it just coincidence? Did I just get lucky?

I believe we create our own luck. I have been studying hard lately to eliminate negative thoughts and replace them with power affirming thoughts instead.

I believe God did just what I asked him too. It was my intuition that led me to the kitchen with the thought about her maybe being hungry. The fact that she might have been looking for food when she set down her homework led me straight to the toaster.

In my humble opinion, it was God who planted those thoughts into my mind, because we asked him for some help. When He answers us so quickly, it is really almost impossible not to believe and have faith.

If it was only that easy to have the same type of faith if we were to ask to win the lottery, (which I don't feel is really an appropriate prayer,however). To believe that he could remove all thought, or doubt in our minds that we wouldn't, it might just happen too.

How many of you can honestly say, when you buy a lottery ticket, it is an absolute winner, that you have not one flickering of a doubt that you will have the winning numbers? You would have to have miraculous faith to do this.

You can't really, because it is next to impossible for the human mind, knowing the odds of actually winning, to eliminate all traces of doubt in that particular scenerio. Some of those thoughts are buried so deep in your subconscious that you are not even aware of them.

In contrast though, it was fairly easy for me to have faith that God could help me find my daughter's homework, because I knew it hadn’t grown feet and walked out the door. :o)

By Laurie Meade

2005-09-09T04:18:00.000-07:00

Healthy Baby Food - When is the Best Time to Start Consuming
Juice?

Mother's milk is the best choice for healthy baby food. However, there will be a time when the baby needs much more nutrients as they grow up and mother's milk can not accomplish it anymore. This will be the time your baby needs some soft food from cereal, fruits or vegetables.

As Dr. Bernard Jensen said in his Juicing Therapy book that the best time for your baby to start consuming juice as healthy baby food is when their weight has been two times heavier or more compare to their born-weight, that is about 7 kilograms. At this point, babies are able to consume up to 64 pounds of bottle milk.

Some doctors have some different opinions about this idea, that is when babies attain the age of six months or at any other time when babies can hold their own plastic straw cup.

Apple juice can be the first choice for your healthy baby food after mother's milk, besides, you can choose one between white grape or pier juice. Remember that home made juice is the best. Strain the juice well and carefully to ensure your baby does not take the juice waste. Mix the juice with purified water in 1:1 portion.

You can also add one teaspoon of green leafy vegetable juice to your baby's milk bottle once in two days. Spinach, broccoli or parsley are perfect healthy baby food, they are source of Ferrum (which milk alone can not accomplish), electrolyte and chlorophyll. Anemia case in babies who are merely feed more milk and less soft solid food is not impossible thing.

Therefore, this green vegetable juice is one thing you have to pay a lot of attention, one teaspoon only not more, you have to consider its high concentrate, too.

It is important to notice that, if your baby react to some certain juice by diarrhea or vomiting, leave and wait for some another one-month and then try again. If the problem still persist, you better talk to your doctor.

As your baby growing up and they are getting more and more body weight, reduce the water content in their juice gradually so that finally they will consume the wholly juice.

By Ida Sagita

2005-09-09T04:07:00.000-07:00

Spending Time With Your Baby - Making The Most Of Joy

When you first bring home your Bouncing New Baby, you will surely feel you want to watch over her and be with her much of the time, especially if you are a first time parent. Newborn babies are fascinating even if they are not yours; when they are your own, that special feeling takes off into the stratosphere. You may feel tempted to hold them, watch them and chat to them the whole time; even when they are asleep you will enjoy standing silently over them and observe them in their slumbers.

Those first few days are a magical time, but then a transformation may take place. For the first few nights, the night feed may be a novelty, and you may even feel "great, she's awake, I can see her again". But then sleep interruption may start to irritate you rather than be a signal for pleasure; tiredness begins to take a hold as your sleep is disturbed so often. Night feeds, cholic, bringing up her milk; all can contribute to an interrupted night. Insufficient sleep mixed with aggravation can start to eat away at that feeling of wonder you had when your baby first came home.

Your baby has not changed; but you have. She is the same gorgeous baby you brought home from hospital. Her simple life is evolving only very slowly to her; it is yours that is changing most rapidly. Those rapid changes, maybe mixed with a new level of tiredness you have not felt before, represent the first exertion of pressure on that very special relationship - you and your baby.

Then there is day time. The old day to day pressures are still there; the need to rush around to the shops, worrying about money, wondering how to deal with work, job and baby; the car not starting, the leak in the pipe under the sink, the washing machine seizing up under the constant use. The days spent wishing you could get a good night's sleep, wishing you were back at work earning more money, and being with your work colleagues. The time you spend thinking: "where's my life gone? I have no control anymore. That baby is my jailer in the day time and tormentor at night."

Stop! That is a train of thought you must either not board, or at least get off at the first station. It is a train fuelled by self pity, and heading down the track to unhappiness for you, your partner, and your baby. You are the only one who controls your life; you choose between the track to contentment and joy, or to discontent and misery.

Remember, that baby loves you more than anyone else ever has, unless you have had a baby before. Her devotion, her admiration, and her dependence are total. It is for you to decide whether that is something to cause resentment in you, or the overwhelming joy that it should. That little miracle of a baby is the biggest responsibility you have ever had, but she can also be the source of the greatest pleasure and joy.

Compare your baby's devotion with your work colleagues you miss; in 10 years time you will probably have lost contact with most or all of them. Your workplace is like a busy junction where people cross over. Your work? If you are employed, your bosses will ditch you as soon as they need to if they see a "better" alternative. Your car, your washing machine, your leaking pipe; do you really think they are important compared to that unique and potentially wonderful relationship that is in your arms, the relationship with your baby?

You make the choices; you take the actions. You have experienced in the first few days with baby at home that there can be sheer joy and excitement; wonderment and appreciation. The baby loves you to bits; you can love her to bits too, and put the exterior trivia in their rightful place. Or, the baby loves you to bits and you can wallow in resentment because she's interrupting your life, demanding attention when you have a leaking pipe or a car that won't start.

In black and white, on paper, it's a simple choice; but how can you make that choice and achieve the right balance in your life? Think about it quietly for a while; somewhere on your own. Think of the pleasure the baby gives you in those precious moments when you do not feel stressed. Then, make a conscious decision to perpetuate those moments; to make each moment you have with your baby, infant and child a moment when you and she are there simply for each other.

As your baby grows, there will be countless moments of development that can bring you a lot of pleasure and pride; learning to walk, getting out of her crib, her kisses and cuddles, her first word and every new word thereafter; her expressions, mimicry, her laughter and her first attempt to dance to the music on the radio; her attempts to control and manipulate you, and learning to use her charm to get her own way. All can be moments of intense pleasure, if you allow them to be.

Such developments you can allow to merge into the noisy background of life's trivia, and miss the joy they can bring you. In so doing you are increasing the chances of an unhappy baby, and an unhappy you. Or, you can make each moment you spend with your baby one for you to enjoy to the full, shutting out life's trivia for those times you are sharing with your offspring. In so doing you would increase the chances of a happy baby and a happy you.

You make the choices; you take the actions. For your own sake and the baby's, spend as much time with your baby as you can, and set out to enjoy it to the full. Shut out the trivia that are trying to spoil your unique relationship, and your life will be considerably better for it.

It is not always possible, but try to organise the trivia around your time with baby. The more you give her precedence, and willingly, the more happy you will both be. Enjoy every single moment of watching her development. It is something that cannot be repeated.

By Roy Thomsitt

2005-09-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

Will Kids Eat Vegetables? Yes, They Will!

You have made the decision to grow your own vegetables. It's a lifestyle and health choice. You want the best for your family and there are no shortcuts on the way. Good for you!

So now you've got all these wonderful fresh vegetables growing in your garden how do you get the kids to eat them? We should be eating 5-9 servings of fruit and vegetables a day. Many adults don't get the full servings required and you know the kids are getting a fraction of that.

If you've got problems getting vegetables into the kids, try a few of these strategies...

Start them young with a wide variety of tastes. If you get them between 2-4 years of age you're more likely to capture them for life.
Set a good example. If you snack on fruits and veggies, then your children are more likely to follow your lead.
Try to prepare interesting after school or between meal snacks. I used to prepare a selection of cut up fruit, dried fruit, raw vegetables and two squares of chocolate. Okay, the chocolate always went first, but then they moved on to the good stuff to fill up.
Keep mixing it up. Prepare new types of vegetables or prepare them in different ways. Let them try just a small bit. If they don't like it, fine. Just keep serving the stuff up.
Never make your dinner table a battle ground. It's not worth it. If they are not forced to eat something they hate, they are more likely to continue trying different foods.
When all else fails, disguise it. Shred some carrot or zucchini into pancakes or hash brown potatoes. Blend vegetables into soups, pasta sauces or on pizza.
Involve them in the process. Take them shopping and let them pick out the veggies. Have them help plan and prepare the meals. Get them into their own gardening project!
And for something really left field, try this sweets recipe.

Vegetable Fudges

I know it sounds really bad, but it's really good! It tastes like a veggie free zone, so if you really feel like you have to sneak it into family and friends, do it with dessert!

Different vegetables and fruits can be used in this recipe to vary it. You can add apple; chocolate; carrot; beetroot. Try your own varieties and see what happens.

The base recipe is this:

3 heaped tablespoons of butter
2 cups sugar
1 x 400g can condensed milk

Prepare a greased square slice pan or dish. Heat the butter and sugar very gently and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Add half a cup of finely shredded fruit or vegetable, then add the condensed milk.

Stir constantly and keep the heat low or your mixture will burn. After about 20 minutes your mixture will be bubbling throughout. If you want to add chocolate at this stage, you can. Six squares of cooking chocolate should be about right. Once it's completely blended throughout, pour into your dish and let it cool.

Cut into squares and enjoy!

Don't despair, just keep trying. You know that you're serving the best tasting vegetables on the planet when you grow them yourself organically. One fine day, your children will reminisce about that...

By Judy Williams

2005-09-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

Plenty of Time

Most mornings, we revere a quiet pace around my home. We celebrate slowness. But today, it is almost noon, and we are late, and I can't find my keys (though I know I had seen them on the counter just moments before). I am suspicious.

"Cassie, have you seen my keys?"

"Yes, I've seen them." My three-year-old is sprawled on the couch with her feet straight up in the air. She taps her boots together.

"Where did you see them?"

"They are right to the left of behind."

I try again, this time lowering my voice: "Where are my keys, honey? I don't want to be late."

She gets up. She picks up a ballpoint pen from the table and hands it to me. "Here are your keys, Mommy," she manages to say before collapsing in hysterics.

She looks up, still laughing. (I'm not). "Oh, now that was a silly joke, Mommy," she laughs some more. "That was a pen. Not your ke-e-e-e-eys." She pulls her baby sister under the table with her. They are both giggling.

Ten minutes later, I had found my keys (where I, not she, had left them), and got on with the business of loading the baby in her car seat, finding the preschooler's "might-needs" for the day, and stashing them into the appropriate places for later. For the older one, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a "monkey juice," so named for the orangutan that once graced the Tang pouches. For the younger one, crackers, cantaloupe, and a juice sippee cup. And I've finally remembered our library books.

Apparently, hurrying is antithetical to a preschooler's very nature. On her way to the car, she stops to hide on the front porch. Then she makes a pit stop into her playhouse. Then she pauses to tell me that potatoes don't have blood, but that she does. As Cassie stands in the driveway reliving yesterday's paper cut and the ensuing Barbie Band-Aid, I resist the urge to check my watch.

It is then that I have to remind myself that my sense of urgency is, today, self-serving. I'm a busy mom, but I work hard to keep my days with the kids "business free." And today, we are going to a simple playgroup. At this playgroup, we all drop in and out. No one is watching the clock to see when we arrive. And no one in particular is waiting for us.

I realize, all at once, that my self-created melodrama is strangely comforting to me. It's a reminder of those days before kids when someone was waiting for me to arrive somewhere. When my false sense of urgency was reflected back to me.

Then I wonder, at this time, what I'm modeling to my kids. Because we can't simultaneously be frazzled and calm. We can't simultaneously be agitated and attentive. We can't simultaneously be fragmented and mindful.

I realize that I could be taking a cue from the child and not the other way around. And so I give myself a gentle reminder of the reasons we have consciously chosen a slower pace for our family. How nourishing it can be to give a child - and her parents - time to contemplate. Time to allow the day to play out on its own. Time to accomplish things one slow activity at a time.

We have just hit the highway when Cassie yells from her car seat: "Mommy! We forgot to play the 'Three Little Pigs'!" She gasps in mock horror, leaving me to wonder where she got her sense of drama.

"We'll play when we get home," I say. "We'll have plenty of time."

And so we do.

By Susie Cortright

2005-09-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

2005-09-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

2005-09-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

Parenting Your Teenager: Driving is a Right......... Right?

Q. My teenage son is turning 16 early next year and he's already lobbying us for a new car. He says all his friends are getting new cars, that he deserves one because it's his right when he turns 16, and he won't drive what he calls a POS car. Do you think he is trying to manipulate us, and what do you think we should do? And since he won't tell us what a POS car is, do you know?

A. What to do depends on what you want to accomplish.

If you want to teach your son that he can pester and manipulate you into giving him his way, then by all means get him a new car.

I know that's not what you want to teach him though. What you have is an excellent opportunity to teach some important life lessons.

But first, let's get that POS question out of the way. POS stands for "piece of s---" and is just another one of your son's tools in his manipulation bag.

2 important principles

There are at least two important principles to teach in this situation. The first is the vast difference between rights and privileges.

Your son believes that getting a new car is his right as a 16-year-old. It's not. In fact, turning 16 does not even entitle you to a driver's license. It does make you eligible for the privilege of getting a driver's license.

Fostering the belief that privileges are in fact rights leads to a raging sense of entitlement. Fostering a belief in privileges leads to a rare sense of ownership, appreciation and perhaps even stewardship, which is taking good care of what you have.

The second principle is the sometimes hazy difference between wants and needs. A need is a "must have" for survival, or to accomplish something important. A want is something you would like to have but can live without.

Your son might need a car to get safely from place A to place B and you may also want to stop chauffeuring him. He may want a new car, but he does not need one. Even if you can afford to give him a new car, I think that would do him more harm than good.

Sit down with your son and tell him that you have discovered what a POS car is and assure him you have no intention of getting him one. Similarly, you have no intention of getting him a new car either.

Briefly - and I mean short and sweet briefly - explain the difference between rights and privileges and wants and needs. Then tell him that you will be glad to help him find a Point A-to-Point B car.

If he wants anything better, tell him that for each dollar that he saves over the price of a basic Point A-to-Point B car, you will match it.

He will not walk away from this conversation jumping for joy. He will walk away with the beginning of some very important life lessons, which is really the best 16th birthday present you could get him.

By Jeff Herring

2005-09-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

Parenting: 5 Ways to Show Love to Your Children

1. Spend time with your kids. We spell love L-O-V-E. Children and teens spell it T-I-M-E. The myth that the quality of time is more important than the quantity of time spent with children is just that - a myth.

We would not buy this lie if a surgeon told us, "I was not able to spend as much time as I would have liked on your surgery, but the few moments I did spend was really quality time."

We want both quantity and quality. So do our kids. I've worked with many people who have provided everything for their children except themselves. How nice and big your house looks from the outside is much less important to your kids than how it feels to be on the inside of your home.

One of the best ways to spend time with your children is to let them lead. Set aside the time, and then do what they would like to do. Let them lead. You could find yourself doing things that look funny, but so what?

Set dates with your children. Block out a chunk of time, and protect it just as you would an important business meeting.

2. Discipline your children. Discipline is not just spanking or grounding, though there is a place for both. Disciplining is loving correction. If you are not able or are not willing to discipline your children, you might consider whether you really do love them. Disciplining your kids is not fun, but it is love.

The child who grows up in an anything-goes, my-kid-can-do-no-wrong kind of home grows up with weak choice muscles when it comes to right and wrong. Teach your kids the difference between making good choices and making bad choices. You make bad choices, and bad things happen; make good choices, and good things happen. Teach this and model this, because it's the real world.

3. Show your kids how the world works. Most of the successful people I know have had someone in their lives teach them how the world works.

Three of the most important things we need to know and are taught so little about are:

how to have a successful love relationship;

how to be an effective parent;

and how to make and manage money.

If you don't know how to teach these things, then learn how. Showing your children how the world works demonstrates love because it imparts values to them. If you don't do it, there are plenty of people in the world who will, but they may have an agenda that does not include the best interests of your children.

4. Love your spouse. The first place your kids learn how to love another person is by watching you. Do your kids see affection or disrespect?

5. Watch your words. The words we speak to our children can be encouraging or discouraging, a blessing or a curse. I've worked with many clients whose entire self-image was centered on what their parents told them about themselves.

I know competent people who deep down believe they are losers because they were told so by their parents. A single word or phrase can last a lifetime.

If you have spoken words that were less than a blessing to your children, clean it up. Apologize. Have the conversation. Tell them you do not see them that way, and then show them that you don't.

If you are having trouble finding words to bless your children, start with: "I'm so glad you are my child, because ..." and then go from there. It's also important to back up your words with actions.

By Jeff Herring

2005-09-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

The Seven Keys of Being a Father

Is there a fathering instinct?

Celebrated child development expert Erik Erikson maintains that adults have a fierce desire to protect and nurture the next generation. This is the generative nature of parenting– to nurture and protect the next generation

We recognise this desire in women as the maternal instinct. Men’s strong desire to look after the next generation is best recognised through their protective instincts. Man as hunter and gatherer has always had the survival of his family and community as a motivating force.

But the generative notion of fathering extends way beyond protection of children. Generative fathering means that men help the next generation not just to survive, but to thrive and grow. It is in the wellbeing of the next generation that traditionally men have left their mark.

This generative or instinctive notion of fathering has been lost in recent years as men have spent less time around their children. Fathers may be born to the task of raising children but they need to be around children so they can nudge fathering out them.

Too often fathers see themselves as playing a role, when the essence of fathering is actually embedded in their own psyche and linked to their child’s development. According to Erikson there are seven tasks that a father carries out to ensure the well-being of the next generation. It is a brilliant framework that helps men move away from playing roles and gets them to focus on the needs of their children. The seven tasks of fathering, also known as fatherwork, are:

1. Ethical work: Men commit to acting in a child’s best interests. Research shows that when men make a strong commitment to look after the well-being of their baby then they will sustain long-term involvement and support for their child. Ethical work is shown when men make decisions about work and careers with their children’s best interests in mind.

2. Stewardship work: This aspect of fathering involves men providing for children and also helping them develop the resources and independence to look after themselves. In many ways this shows itself when dads take on a teaching role, which tend to do when they spend time with kids. Listen to a man when he interacts with his son and inevitably he will be showing him how to do something, even if it is how to kick a football.

3. Developmental work: This aspect of fathering refers to the notion of helping children deal with either sudden change, such as a death in the family, or normal developmental changes, such as moving into adolescence. Dads who do this work well support their children though difficulties and respond with understanding to changes in children’s development.

4. Recreational work: This aspect refers to men’s promotion of relaxation and learning for their children through play. This aspect of fathering tends to be a strong point for many dads, who are the kings of play. It is well-recognised that men play differently with children than mothers, which is fixed in the biological matrix. Men’s domain is rough play, sometimes destructive play and often involves a challenge whether intellectual (e.g chess) or physical.

5. Spiritual work: This aspect of fathering involves men helping children develop values and a set of beliefs that will act as a compass as they move through adolescence and beyond. This involves counselling, teaching and advising. Many readers may remember their own fathers delivering stern lectures, which comes from this aspect of fathering. Good intentions, but poor delivery.

6. Relationship work: This aspect of fathering involves men helping children and young people form relationships and friendships. We do this by sharing our love and thoughts, by displaying empathy and understanding for a child and also by facilitating a child’s relationships with others. In recent times men have stayed out of this area but it is a part of fatherwork.

7. Mentoring: We complete the cycle by ensuring that we support our own children in their own generative work. This involves giving help, support and ideas for our own children when they move into adulthood. In recent years men have fallen down badly in this area as too many men have shallow relationships with their own fathers.

This framework for fathering has depth and breadth. It works on an instinctive level, but many influences come to bear to prevent this instinct and intuition from informing our action. Often it is useful to ask yourself – “What does this situation with my child require of me?” If a child is having friendship issues at school then relationship work is needed. If a child is feeling stressed and needs to relax then it is time for recreational work. If a child gets worked up through play then it is important to do some stewardship work and ensure a child calms down and regains control before bed. If a child is changing schools then it time for some developmental work, to help him or her cope with change.

If you are a father (mothers can do the same thing), reflect on some of the interactions that you have with children, and determine in which area of fatherwork do they fit. You will find that there is an area for each situation. As you respond to children’s needs think about the type of fatherwork you are doing. You will soon discover that you are involved in a variety of very important work. And it will change the way you think about fathering and provide a strong guide to how you should respond to children’s future needs.

By Michael Grose

2005-09-06T04:58:00.000-07:00

Is Your Behavioural Change Strategy Working?

How can I start getting my children to help out at home?’

Many parent ask me this question. My answer is simple – “It depends!”

Achieving a behavioural change in children is dependent on their age and stage of development, their temperament and attitude, and how set in their ways they are.

Let’s look further at the above helping at home scenario. If the children are four years of age or younger then encouraging them to contribute to their family’s well-being is relatively easy. Most children want to help at home in the early years so it is a matter of parents providing opportunities for them to help and also showing them how they can assist in positive ways. Helping out and independence are habit-forming so the message for parents is start early and hang in there. Young children can help set and clear away meal areas, clear away their toys and help make their beds. Don’t get too fussed about the quality of their endeavours. They wear L-plates in the early years and the prime lesson for them is that they help their family and contribute to their own well-being.

Older children who may have done very little to help can be tough nuts to crack. How do you get a ten year old to help out if he or she has barely lifted a finger to assist in the previous decade? Basically, there are two methods parents can use to get some change in children when habits are entrenched. Either you try to achieve major change straight away or you work away at the margins to affect change.

A parent trying to promote independence in a child can go ‘cold turkey’ and insist that they get themselves up in the morning, make their own lunch, empty the dishwasher and do forth. This is a major change. Parents who take this approach frequently offer rewards such as pocket money or provision of special treats in exchange for help, however rewarders and bribers should be wary. Any parent offering rewards in exchange for help will need deep pockets as today’s jellybeans soon becomes an electronic toy or something equally expensive. Besides they are teaching children to think ‘what’s in this for ME, rather than WE.’ Such parents may be replacing one habit (dependence) with another (self-centredness). !!. I suggest that parental insistence that their children help backed up by sincere and genuine appreciation when they have done the right thing are strong motivators for most kids.

Alternatively, parents can work at the margins and get their children to help little by little. For instance, packing their own lunch may precede making it. Unpacking the cutlery may precede emptying the whole dishwasher. Cleaning ten toys away may precede cleaning the whole room if they have never done it before. Using this method the helping habits sneaks up on children and takes them by surprise.

Either approach is legitimate however sometimes when parents meet with resistance from children or change seems so overwhelming it is better to play around at the margins and go for small changes. We often use the same principle to put some order in our lives when everything seems chaotic. Sometimes just cleaning the clutter away in a bedroom or tidying a desk can help us feel in control and a little clearer when life seems totally disorganised.

Working away at the margins is a strategy many parents have used successfully when they want to get some behavioural change happening at home. Even if children seem totally out of control look for small areas where you achieve some change. Maybe start with them using better manners when they talk with you or insisting they sit at the meal table until everyone has finished. Often small successes bring monumental improvements. Positive change tends to have a snowball affect. Like a snowball rolling down a slope it gathers momentum and increases in size very rapidly.

So what is your usual change strategy? If you get overwhelmed and don’t know where to start then try starting small and working away at the margins. Start where you know you can experience some success and the change will accelerate.

By Michael Grose

2005-09-05T03:17:00.000-07:00

Bring On The Music To Help Your Child Learn Faster And More
Effectively.

Do you remember how you first learned the alphabet? I am quite sure that the majority of us learnt it by singing the ABC Song: 'ABCDEFG-HIJKLMNOP-QRS-TUV-WXY-and-Z...'

There is no doubt that music and songs are one of the best means to teach children new information and knowledge. And over the last 25 years, many researches and studies have been done to find out how music influences our brain and how we can use music to help us learn faster and more effectively. And it has been found that our brain is most open and receptive to incoming information when it is in a special state of relaxation.

That type of relaxation is not to get you into sleep. It's a state of relaxed alertness - what we sometimes call relaxed awareness. For those who learn relaxation techniques such as Yoga, you know it is the state when our brain is at Alpha.

The study of super-memory and the brain started back in the 1950's by a Bulgarian psychiatrist and educator, George Lozanov. After years of research, he concluded that we all have an ‘optimum learning state'. This occurs, he said "when heart-beat, breath-rate and brain-waves are smoothly synchronized and the body is relaxed but the mind concentrated and ready to receive new information."

Lozanov put his research into practice and achieved some amazing results, particularly in foreign-language learning. It was reported that Lozanov had helped Bulgarian students learn 1,200 words in a day, using his method.

Today we know that it is fairly easy for people to achieve that ideal learning state. Deep breathing is one of the first keys. Music is the second.

Music played at different beats and tempos influences our moods differently, and in turn it affects how our mind functions (which determines our actions).

Have you ever noticed how departmental stores use music to sway the mood of their customers within their premise and to regulate the flow of human traffic? During off-peak period, they will play soothing music to help shoppers relax so that they will stay longer in the stores and as a result buy more things. During peak hours when the stores are crowded and they need to get the human traffic to move faster so that more people can come in to the stores, they will play fast and loud music.

Likewise, we can use music to our advantage by helping our children in their learning and enhancing their concentration.

If you would like to put your child in the best state of mind when doing something or learning new skills and knowledge, you can try playing soothing music with a 50 to 70 beats per minute pattern.

The most common music to achieve that state comes from the baroque school of composers, in the 17th and early 18th centuries: the Italian Arcangelo Corelli, the Venician Antonio Vivaldi, the French Francois Coupertin and the Germans, Johann Sebastian Bach and George Frederic Handel.

Some of our favourite music pieces that my wife and I play at home for our children, Ethel and Ethan, when they are at play and learn:

- Vivaldi’s Four Seasons - one of the best-known pieces of baroque music that helps you to shut out other thoughts and visualise the seasons of the year

- Handel’s Water Music - a deeply soothing piece

- Johann Pachelbel’s Canon in D - our favourite to relieve tension

If you have yet to introduce music when educating your child, start using it today; it will put your child in a relaxed, receptive state, helping her focus and learn more effectively.

By Alvin Poh Hee Kwang

2005-09-05T03:08:00.000-07:00

Watch What You Say

"Now don't you go getting any ideas, Harold."

"Don't you get any ideas either, Terry."

"Don't you two get any ideas."

The young mother's words to her small children echoed in my head for several days. While I realized she was probably warning them to not do something against her wishes or something that could harm them, I can't help but wonder about the effects that a situation like that, heard over and over for a period of years, will have on their lives and their ability to realize their potential.

Flash forward - It's 20 years later and now little Howard and Terry are all grown up, sitting in a conference room where they both work as marketing managers, having graduated at the top of their classes in college.

The CEO is pacing back and forth saying, "Okay gang, what we need now, if we want to save this company, are some really good ideas." As their bosses words trail off, Howard and Terry are jolted back in time to that day at the Eagle Diner. All they can hear is their mother's voice telling them not to get any ideas. The conflict that this is causing has blocked their creative abilities. The contribution they might have made has been stifled by a poor choice of phrasing some 20 years ago.

I know this sounds a bit extreme but if you stop and think about it, this happens all the time. We are constantly being conditioned by the messages we hear, especially in our formative years.

We use phrases like "don't get smart" and then wonder why children are doing poorly in school. There is a connection. Whatever is repeated, over and over, will be absorbed into the subconscious mind of the person listening, in this case your children. McDonalds knows this, as does every other successful advertiser.

In my seminars I ask people to complete this phrase. Winston tastes good like a ____. Even audience members in their 20's can complete this advertising slogan, though it hasn't been used for more than 20 years. The words you choose and the phrases you use repeatedly will have a lasting impact on your children. Why not choose words that will help them realize their potential as unique, creative, bright, loving, powerful and successful human beings?

Imagine what could happen if you made a habit of using positive, empowering, self-esteem building messages every day? Imagine all your children could become!

Decide right now to create some positive messages you can implant in the young minds of your children. Make a daily habit of using positive messages when speaking to your children.

By Jim Donovan

2005-09-03T06:04:00.000-07:00

Parenting: 6 Observations on Fatherhood

Just the other day my oldest son asked:

“Daddy, am I old enough to call you Dad?”

Won’t be long now before he is asking for the car keys.......

Here are a few things I’m learning as well as some important things I’ve discovered so far about this thing called fathering.

1. You really have to give up the myth of quality time vs quantity time. By the time the average child is 7 years old, they have watched 20,000 commercials. Given that amount of influence, infrequent “quality time” just doesn’t cut it. It has to be quantity time that’s of high quality.

2. As a dad you have been influenced and effected by the generations of fathering that went on before you. By the same token, the fathering we do will not effect only the children in our home. The job we do as fathers, for better or worse, will effect generations to come.

3. Sue Shellenbarer, a columnist for The Wall Street Journal has coined the phrase the “tomorrow trap.” She describes the tomorrow trap as “living for the future, taking refuge in visions of a relaxed and rewarding personal and family life somewhere down the road.....a kind of mirage that people chase while in reality they are burying themselves in work and other pursuits.”

Ouch. Sounds familiar to me, how about you? As dads we have to remember that not only does “someday” never come, it’s not even on the calendar. Spend the savored time now, because today is here.

4. Some of us may not have had the best model for a dad in our own father, or perhaps no model at all. That’s sad and painful. What it is not is an excuse. It can be a springboard for change. Whatever has been handed down to us, we can decide to change in this generation. There is so much information available now on how to do this dad thing.

5. Just he other day a father asked me “how do I play with my little kids.” While it’s sad that the question has to be asked, the answer is really quite simple. Get down on the floor with them, and let them lead. You follow.

6. “Daddy’s home!” are two of the best words in the English language

By Jeff Herring

2005-09-03T05:51:00.000-07:00

Parenting Your Teenager: 3 Ways to Make the Time

Every now and then I'll get a story sent to me by e-mail that is a no-brainer idea for an article. One of those came across my desk just the other day. It's called "I Wish I Had a Second Chance."

Like many of these things, the author's name was not included. If anyone knows who the author is, I'd love to know so I can give him or her credit and thanks.

Give it a read, and then let's put some 'hands and feet' on how to use it in your own life.

My hands were busy through the day, I didn't have much time to play the little games you asked me to. I didn't have much time for you. I'd wash your clothes, I'd sew and cook. But when you brought your picture book and asked me to share your fun, I'd say A little later, son.

I'd tuck you in all safe at night and hear your prayers, turn out the light. Then tiptoe softly to the door. I wish I'd stayed a minute more. For life is short, the years rush past ... a little boy grows up so fast. No longer is he at your side, his precious secrets to confide.

The picture books are put away, there are no longer games to play, no good night kiss, no prayers to hear ... that all belongs to yesteryear. My hands once busy now are still. The days are long and hard to fill. I wish I could go back and do all the little things you asked me to.

If you're like me, you are feeling a little misty. But instead of just getting misty, let's use this to make things a little better.

Let's take a little trip into the future. Let's fast forward five, 10, 20 years from now, when your kids are no longer interested in asking you to do anything with them, much less play.

What does that regret feel like as you look back?

I never want to feel that way. So come back from the future with me, and let's do something about it right now.

How to make the time

Every single one of us is the same in that we each get 24 hours and no more each day. My belief is that we can make the time for the important things if we know how. Here are three strategies to make the time:

1. What keeps you from spending time with your kids?

Whatever it is, I'd suggest evaluating it very carefully and severely. How can you change it? Can you move it around, reschedule it, do it less, give it to someone else to do, or just stop doing it altogether?

2. Date your kids

Set dates-with-Mommy or dates-with-Daddy times. These are one-on-one times to spend with each other. Protect these dates as you would an important business appointment. At least two good things can result:

=>The time is set and protected

=> your kid will feel very special.

Follow them when you play with them

Let them lead and set the agenda. This is going to feel awkward at first, because we are so used to pushing hard, setting agendas and getting things done. Just follow them. One of the many really cool side effects of this is that after you practice this for a while, it can be very relaxing.

One of the many things we can take with us from this story is best said by Patrick Boyle, editor of Youth Today:

The reality is that our to-do lists never end, while our kids' childhoods do.

By Jeff Herring

2005-09-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

Language Development In Your Baby

From birth to one year your baby will go from crying to cooing to talking. Those are amazing milestones for your baby to accomplishment in such a short period of time as he develops his speech and language skills.

Keep in mind that these stages of your baby’s development are broad and that no baby will fall exactly within the timeframe of these expected milestones.

One month: Your baby will understand speech long before he begins to speak. From birth he will look at your face and listen to your voice. He will make a small range of noises that will start to mean something to you, such as his way of exhibiting hunger or pain. These noises will include crying and certain sounds that your baby makes while he is breathing. When your baby is feeding he will make sucking noises and sound of contentment.

Your baby’s cry is an important way for him to communicate. Crying lays the foundation for speech as your baby learns to control the air that comes from his lungs and learns how to use his vocal cords. Crying is your baby’s way of telling you that he is hungry, upset, or cold. By listening carefully to your baby and responding to his cries you are letting him know that he is important. This is how your baby first learns to communicate with you.

Two months: Your two-month old baby is starting to pay more and more attention to his world. He will be fascinated by the sound of your voice and will follow it around the room with great concentration. The different tones of you voice will keep him interested for short periods of time.

Your baby will respond with a variety of cooing sounds, vowel-like sounds, and sometimes some consonant sounds such as a “k”. You will find that your baby has quite a collection of cooing sounds that she uses to communicate with you as well as discover how to use the sound of her own voice.

Talk to your baby as much as possible to encourage her cooing response. Look directly into your baby’s eyes to show that you are listening. This helps to establish signals of communication between the two of you.

Three months: Your baby will recognize your voice and will turn towards you when he hears you talking. He will be starting to laugh out loud and will often startle himself until he learns that he is the one making the sound. Your baby will be making sounds such as “ahhhh gooo”. He will squeal when he is happy and content, again often startling himself as he learns his own abilities.

Continue to talk to your baby as much as possible, as well as sing to him and read him stories. The more you communicate with him and let him know that you are listening the more he will attempt to communicate with you.

Four months: Your baby is learning more and more ways to communicate with you. He will be smiling spontaneously at everything around him. His soft babbling will have an almost singsong sound to it, often ranging into a high pitch that delights him as he learns to like the sound of his own voice. There will be lots of repetition to the sounds that your baby makes.

Make sure that you respond to your baby’s “oohs” and “ahhs” with your own voice tones. This is your “chat time” with your baby and you should take advantage of these chatty times as he learns what conversation is all about. Your baby may also be starting to let you know when he’s not in the mood for talking with you. He will turn his head in the other direction and may put his arm over his face. He may be showing signs of anger or frustration by crying out, especially if something is taken away from him.

Five months: Your baby is becoming better at communicating. He may start to mimic sounds and gestures which allows him to express his needs. He’ll be able to let you know if he’s happy or sad. When your baby wants attention he’ll start to babble until you respond to him. If you respond to his cooing, laughing sounds he’ll repeat his noises often because he knows that he can get your attention this way.

Your baby will now be watching your mouth when you talk. If you talk to him from across the room he’ll be able to locate you easily. He is learning to control his vocal sounds as watches your response to his sounds.

Six months: Your baby is now using consonant-vowel combinations. He has discovered his image in the mirror and is probably having conversations with his new “playmate”. Your baby’s language is becoming much more precise. There are several ways that you can help him to continue to develop his language skills by:

· Speaking clearly, slowly, and accurately.

· Identify objects as you say their names.

· Use short sentences.

· Use repetition when singing songs and nursery rhymes; the repetition will help him to learn.

· Read as often as you can to your baby, asking questions about the pictures in the books so that your baby is interacting with you.

· Never talk “at” your baby, let him respond in his own way.

Seven months: Your baby continues to learn how to use his language skills. He has learned how to wave goodbye and may accompany his wave with babbling sounds. He can say “mama” or “dada”.

Eight months: Your baby is playing games such as pat a cake and peek-a-boo. Even though he can’t speak the words that belong to these games, he can babble and talk to himself. Your baby understands the word “no” means, even though he doesn’t like hearing them?

Nine months: Continue to play lots of games with your baby, especially those games that involve singing. Your baby is responding to small sentences, such as “Take mommy’s hand.”

Ten months: Your baby’s language skills continue to develop. He is using his own gibberish language to interact with you and have a conversation.

Eleven months: Your baby can now say short, one syllable words such as “bye” and continues to talk in his conversational gibberish language. There are several ways that you can help your baby as he learns and practices his language skills:

· Talk often to your baby using simple words to identify objects in his life. Name trees, numbers, colors, and animals as you take your baby for a walk. Use your baby’s name as often as you can so he starts to recognize it.

· Be patient and listen when your baby talks to you. Respond to his talk in a positive way, often repeating one or two of the words he has used correctly.

· Introduce concepts to your baby, such as the “big” dog or the “little” mouse.

· Give your baby time to get his words out; don’t be tempted to complete sentences for him.

· Continue to read to your baby as much as possible. Reading should be part of your daily routine.

Twelve months: At the one year mark your baby’s language skills are continuing to progress as he discovers more and more about the world around him. Before you know it your baby will be talking non-stop as he masters his language and vocal skills.

By Lily Carter

2005-09-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

Top 100 Baby Names and Helpful Tips To Consider When Naming Your Baby

Are you an expectant parent anxiously waiting for that little package of joy? Yet, you and your spouse are still looking for that perfect name? Well...fret no more! The list of the top 100 baby names may be the answer to your prayers.

Searching for your baby's name is loads of fun! Whether you're seeking a name for your soon-to-be baby boy or baby girl, you and your spouse should be curious about what names in the top 100 are currently hot.

What is particularly interesting is tracking the popularity of baby names over the decades. In looking through baby name lists from 1880 to the present, some amusing patterns emerge, particularly in regards to baby names for girls.

For example, in Victorian times, Biblical names such as Mary, Sarah and Ruth were very popular for baby girls. There were also many baby names that are now considered very old-fashioned like Martha, Alice, Bertha and Minnie.

From the 1920s to the 1950s certain baby names rose in popularity. These included names such as Susan, Debbie, Patricia, and Linda. All of these baby names have since waned, to be replaced, by the 1980s, with fancier names such as Jennifer, Jessica and Nicole.

However, according to the new top 100 baby names, there's been a lot of renewed interest in the more "old-fashioned" names like Hannah, Abigail and Ethan, plus many Biblical names such as Sarah, Rachel, Joshua, Jacob, and Samuel. There's also been a surge in nontraditional baby names including Madison, Ashley and Brianna for baby girls, and Brandon and Logan for baby boys.

When naming a baby there are, of course, many other points to consider besides how popular or unique a name is. Here are some helpful tips that you can use with your spouse and immediate family in choosing a name for the new baby and to make the process fun:

1. Baby names need to go nicely with the sound of your last name. Also, pick a first name and a middle name that go together well. (So maybe not something like Erasmus Beelzebub Jones!)

2. When your family finds a name you all like, observe the initials to be sure that you don't give your new baby a name with initials that will make people laugh or cause teasing by his or her peers. (For example: Pamela Iris Greer, which equals pig!)

3. You might not want a baby name that is so unusual that the other kids will make fun of your child in school which could result in low self esteem. So please do not be selfish when choosing a name.

4. You also might not want a baby name that is so trendy that it will sound funny by the time the baby is ten years old. (For example... Sunshine.)

5. Be careful not to pick a name that's really cute for an adorable little baby but will sound silly when your little one grows up. (For example, Dimples or Cutie Pie.)

6. Avoid baby names that might produce insulting nicknames when people shorten them. (So maybe not Smellonius, or Smelly for short !)

7. You and your family might not want a name that is so hard to spell or to pronounce that people will always get it wrong and therefore, your poor son or daughter will have to go through their entire life correcting people.

8. You and your family might want to pick baby names in honor of favorite relatives or ancestors, or special names that show your family's ethnic roots. You may even want to borrow a name from one of your favorite celebrities or sports athelete.

9. Study the top 100 baby names and choose one that has a special meaning that you like - maybe something that means "strong" or "kind" or "brave".

10. Look at your own family names and see if using any name combinations create unusual baby names you like. Ask other family members for their suggestions, even invite your friends to give you their opinions. Does a relative have a name you like? Be careful if the name is already being used. Ask other family members to be sure your favorite unusual baby names are not given to relatives. It can become confusing in families when two people have the same names.

Conclusion

Have fun and enjoy viewing the top 100 baby names when choosing your child's names. Celebrate the moment. You will find out it was worth every minute spent deciding upon that baby boy or baby girl name...a name that will identify them for their lifetime.

By Christy Hollis

2005-09-01T04:35:00.000-07:00

What Do You Teach Your Children About Money?

Whether we realize it or not we teach our children about money every day. Sometimes we teach with words and sometimes with actions. I’m sure at one time or another the following scenario as happened to you or something close to it: “Mom, can we go buy some toys?” You say, “We don’t have the money for that right now.” Your children reply, “Just go to the ATM and get the money.” You then make a comment to the effect, “There has to be money in my account in order to get money from the ATM.” I still remember the first time I had that conversation and my children’s jaws dropped. It never occurred to them that you had to have money in order to get money out of the ATM machine. They just saw the ATM as the cash machine – Free money. Don’t we all wish that was true!

Let me share with you another conversation we had in my house. We were giving out allowances and we always give it to them in change, so they can take their offering to church. My son said, “Why, do we give money to church anyway?” My daughter quickly piped up, “Because, the Bible tells us to.” She is accurate that the Bible instructs us to give to church, but there is a better explanation. (For the record, I don’t like using because the Bible says so – we need to teach our children about the reasons God gives us instructions and his promises in the Bible.) We give money to church, because God owns everything anyway. All that we have has been given to us from Him and he owns it all. We are only giving a small portion back to thank Him for the bounty he has given us. So, we give the church a praise offering for what God has graciously given us.

Many people have different views about money. Some don’t want to tell their children anything about how much they make and how they pay bills. They don’t want their children to know that and see that as private. Some people give their children way too much information and then children worry if things are tight. I think there is a middle ground. How are children going to learn to spend money wisely if we don’t show them? I think it is important for you to share with children how things were in the lean years of your family. That maybe right now. Many children today, when they become adults, want to start out where their parents ended up. They don’t see all the difficult times that led up to where their parents are now. Share with your children in age appropriate ways how to spend and save money. Teach your children how to compare prices and shop for a bargain. I have seen many teenagers over the years and I’m amazed at when they start spending their own money for clothing all the sudden Wal-Mart doesn’t look so bad anymore, instead of the high priced stores they want parents to spend their money.

In conclusion, what and how are you teaching your children about money? Do they know that God is in control? Do they see you giving to church? Do they even know how bills are paid? Maybe you are saying, “I have been a poor manager of money, who am I to teach them?” We are all learning and God is gracious to help us when we make mistakes. He can help you know what to say and how to teach your children about money. Ask God to help you manage your money wisely and set a good example for your children.

By Kimberly Chastain

2005-09-01T04:29:00.000-07:00

The Seven Keys to Child Obedience

Learning obedience is an important part of child development. This is the tool that allows you as parents to train your child. Through obedience your child will learn self-control and develop other positive character traits that he will need as an adult.

However, obedience cannot be forced upon the child. Parents who simply command their children will foster resentment, which will eventually lead to rebellion. In fact, some researchers feel that poor parenting techniques contribute to the development of oppositional defiant disorderin some children. Although you can punish a child for not obeying, this will not foster any long-term obedience. When the child reaches his teen years and becomes more independent, punishment will only serve to destroy the already faltering parent child relationship.

Our goal then is not to force our children to obey us, but to get them to want to obey us. This willingness to obey will only come about if the parent’s commands are based upon seven principles.

1-Loving Concern for the Child

A child knows quickly whether a parent’s demands are for the sake of the child or for the personal convenience of the parent. If the parent’s primary motive for giving orders is to make his own life easier, then the child learns to place his own interests first, also. If you want to be successful in raising your child, then your reason for giving orders must be for the benefit of your child. When your child senses that your demands are for his sake, he will much more readily obey you. He knows that it is for his own good. He will know that any demands made of him, no matter how unpleasant, come from a genuine concern for his welfare.

2-Sincere Respect for the Child

Parents must respect their children. This is a concept that is not well practiced by our society. Western society focuses on possessions. Somehow in the back of many parents’ minds their children are counted among those possessions. We must remember that our children are not objects, but people. As people, they are deserving of respect. We must remember to give respect to our child to the same degree we would like others to respect us.

3-Patience

Very often our children do things that bother us. This is usually unintentional on their part and is just a reflection of their immaturity. However, if we show our children that we are annoyed they will begin to resent us. This resentment feeds their desire to rebel against our wishes. One of our goals as parents must be to try to keep our negative emotions in check.

4-Speak Softly

Nothing gains a child’s cooperation more than a gentle tone of voice. Speaking softly helps us to control our negative emotions, especially anger. A soft voice soothes and is more likely to be met with cooperation. It creates a relaxed atmosphere and is reassuring to children.

When we speak in a soft voice it also conveys strength. We show our children that we are in control of the situation and not merely reacting to it. If the only step you take is to control the volume of your voice, particularly in stressful situations, that alone will foster better child compliance. You will find that everything around you goes more smoothly.

5-Make Moderate Demands

No one likes having demands placed upon him. Children are no different. Yet we are constantly commanding our children. We feel that as parents we must take steps to correct every misdemeanor that we see. When the orders become excessive or arbitrary the parent becomes more like a dictator that an educator.

If you place a lot of obligations on your child, then your child is going to resent and resist your authority. One of the most important steps in getting your child to listen to you is to reduce the amount of demands that you place upon him. This will require you to stay calm and overlook a lot of childish behavior. Commands should be made thoughtfully and be within reasonable limits. The general rule is that if a certain behavior is not something your child will be doing as an adult and if it is not dangerous, then you should not make it a priority to correct.

6-Follow Through

Even if you do all that has been mentioned so far, you will still need to give your child orders. When you do so, you must be firm and make sure that your child obeys. If you give your child an instruction you must insist that he fulfill it. Often it will be easier or more convenient to just overlook disobedience. This is the end will erode your authority as a parent.

You should only make moderate and well thought out demands on your child. However, when you do make those orders your child must fulfill them. If we want our children to take our words seriously, then we must show them that we are serious.

7-Be Free with ‘Yes’, but not with ‘No’

We must try to grant every reasonable request our children make of us. They should feel that we are giving to them freely and in overflowing abundance at all times. You should make it a rule to give your child whatever he wants unless you have a good reason not to do so.

In addition, we should try to temper our use of ‘no’. Try not to avoid saying ‘no’ whenever possible. For example, if your child wants to have a treat before dinner and you want him to eat first, rather than say ‘no’ or ‘not now’ say, ‘yes, after dinner.’ This small change in the way you use the words ‘yes’and ‘no’ will change your child’s perception from the feeling that most of his desires are being denied to that most of them are being granted.

Conclusion

It is natural for a child to want to obey his parents. It is also necessary for his proper growth and development. Applying these seven keys will help you to make it easier for your child to obey you.

By Anthony Kane, MD

2005-08-31T05:39:00.000-07:00

How To Teach Your Children Self-Reliance and Potential

Self-reliance and potential are two very important values that I'd highly recommend parents teach their children.

Self-reliance refer to the acceptance of responsibility for and the consequence of one's own actions and performance. It is so common to see people blame luck, circumstance or someone else for things that are not up to expectation. If a person want to be successful, he must take responsibility of his action and results, whether it is a positive or not so positive result.

Potential means trying to be one's best self and asking the best from oneself. It also refer to the conscious rejection of mediocrity.

Self-reliance has to do with taking the blame for negative things that happen And potential has to do with taking a little credit and taking the right kind of pride in what we are able to become and able to accomplish.

A person with both self-reliance and potential helps others by accepting responsibility and doing their best i the world Those who don't have these values often hurt others by blaming them and by failing to develop the gifts and talents that could serve or enlighten or benefit other people.

Set Yourself As Role Model

Demonstrate to your children that you value these values and live by the principles. Show your children how you are doing your best to improve. Talk about things you think you're good at and working to be better at them.

For example in our home, I value my family greatly. I want to have as much time as possible with my loved ones and see my children grow and develop in the best possible way. To achieve this goal, I do not like to work for others in a corporate environment. I want to run my own businesses from home. And over the years I have learned and developed the skills and knowledge that allows me to do internet businesses from home and building relationship with people on the net. It is a strength that I am proud of and it helps me to fulfill my goal of having more time with my family. I communicate often to our 4-year-old daughter about this goal and explain to her about the things I do on the internet. She often see me reading books and learning about online businesses. I also promise her that papa will teach her these internet business skill along the way. She is also very happy about what I do because she can now see her dad more often at home.

In setting yourself up as an example to your children, show pleasure in things you do well. Also, be obvious about taking the responsibility for mistakes you make. If you have done something wrong, tell your children "Dear, it is papa's fault. I could have done differently by..."

Watch Your Children

Help your children recognize their gifts and develop their natural potential. We must know our own potential before we can reach it. Your children have their own uniqueness and you can't mould them into whatever you please. Rather, they are like 'seeds' which have their own and distinct gift and potentials.

We can never change an oak into an apple tree. But we can watch and recognize as early as possible who they are - and then nourish and encourage them to be the best of whatever they are. As parents, we must find out who our children truly are and not confirm them to who and what we wish they were or extend our own egos on them.

For example, if your children are talented in arts, music, or sports and have the aspiration to do something related to their talents when they grow up, don't impose your desire on them that they must be doctors, lawyers or engineers. Success does not confine to just certain occupations or jobs.

Praise Your Children

To help your children build self-reliance, you need to reinforce their self-image, individuality and build their confidence in believing in themselves. Research has shown that well rounded and happy children often comes from home with very supportive parents and receive regular praise and recognize from people they love.

Catch your children doing something good and when they do, praise them effusively. When they make mistakes. help them accept responsibility for it and then praise that acceptance to the point that their pride in their self-reliance outshines their concern over the shortcoming.

When our children posses the value of self-reliance and potential, they feel the growth of individuality and self-esteem. If they don't. they tend to become followers in the standard ruts of life. And we as parents can help a great difference.

By Alvin Poh Hee Kwang

2005-08-31T05:32:00.000-07:00

How To Teach Your Children Social Skills

As our children grow, they will be going to schools and interacting with lots of different people other. For example, friends and teachers. Hence it is necessary to teach them the social skills that enable them to get along with others, work as part of a group, follow rules, make and keeps friends and act with confidence. These abilities also help our children to build good character.

Families have a profound influence on the early development of our children social abilities and skills. If they enjoy love, warming relationship with parents, siblings, grandparents and other relationships, they will have a strong foundation in form good relationship with other people. They will be more understanding about how other people feel and have the ability to treat other the way they want and how they should be treated by others.

To help children acquire the basic social behavior, parents must set the proper expectation, rules, rewards and punishment associated with those rules and more important set themselves as good examples for their children. Your children learn by observing what you as their parents do and how you behave in your daily life - e.g. how you treat and interact with your spouse, eldest and friends. As they begin interact with others, your kids will model their behavior on actions he has witnessed at home.

Following are some of the important social skills that you will want to work with your children:

Learning that Others Have Their Own Views and Feelings

I have seemed adults hold very strong views about certainly things and they try to impose their views onto others. This often results in tension and uneasiness in the relationship. It is not something healthy.

It is important for parents to teach their children from young that others have their own opinions and feelings. They need to learn to respect them and know that it is perfectly okay for people to have different views. With this understanding, children can then begin to develop empathy - the ability to discern and share another's feelings or ideas. It is the ability to put themselves into some else's shoe that make them willing to share, take turns, cooperate and treat their friends with kindness and respect.

Preschoolers usually do not have a clear sense of empathy. However you can help them begin to understand by talking about other people's thoughts and feelings. At home, I teach my preschool daughter empathy by asking her question such as:

"How do you think Sarah will feel if someone takes her toys without asking her permission?"

"How mummy and daddy will feel if you hurt yourself?"

"How would you feel if none of your friend didn't ask you to join them when they are playing?"

Often she will provide a sensible answer and follow by the proper action. When parents practice these often and long enough with their children, they will form the habit of being empathetic and sensible children who are welcome and love by their friends.

Recognize Rules

We need to help our children know that they are certain rules of proper social behaviors. For example, no hitting of others, no cutting of queue, wait for others to finish talking before they can talk, ask for permission if they want to take something that doesn't belong to them etc.

Sharing

Sharing does not come automatically to most young children. Often they learn this skill by observing their parents.

I know of some parents who in general are not very generous with their things. And their young children demonstrate this selfish characteristic very clearly when they interact with their playmate. For example, I have observe some of children refusing to share their toys when they are playing with their friends, quickly and quietly keep all the good things for themselves and leave the not so good ones for their friends etc - they all have not so generous parents.

If we want to make friends and build good relationship with others, we need to be generous. Generosity does not have to be related to material things; it can be sharing of love and care, ideas, knowledge etc. At home, I often share this teaching with my loved ones include our young children

"The more we share, the more we get"

Taking Turns

Taking turn is one form of sharing that requires little children to do something hard - wait. It is important to practice this because there are plenty of turn takings in school - waiting to answer until the teacher calls, waiting for their turn to touch the rabbit in the science concern, waiting for their turn to play with an interesting gadget etc.

Respecting Others' Properties

In school, your kids will be surrounded by many children with their own things such as books, stationary, toys, food etc. They need to learn how to treat their friends' things and handle them with care when their friends lend anything to them. And parents must teach their children the proper way of making a request if they want to borrow something from others and how to show their appreciation if their wishes are granted. Teach them the proper use of words like “May I...", "please" and "thank you"

Working With Others

Help your children learn to cooperate and help out their friends in schools or when they are in a project team. The best way to teach them at home is to get them to share the work of family chores and housework. Get your children to help you tidy-up up the rooms; help you to clean the table after meals etc. Tell them that they belong to the family and it is important for them to help in keeping the house clean so that everyone can enjoy a good environment. And when they help out, they will have more time from mummy and daddy reading and playing with them - this method works very well in our home.

Being Polite

Children are more apt to get off to a good start in school and be more confident of their own social skills if they learned to treat others with courtesy. Teach your children to say words like "please", "thank you", "yes Sir/ Madam" etc.

Social skills emerge slowly in children. Parents need to persevere in teaching them. Often you'll have to go over rules again and again, talk to your children many times about the right and proper way to behave and treat others. Children need to be guided and reminded and corrected - no matter how well disposed they are.

By Alvin Poh Hee Kwang

2005-08-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

Say No to Mealtime Mayhem: Eating Out With Your Baby or Toddler

Many parenting books advise against eating out with young children. Their short attention span and need to be involved in everything will mean a nightmare for you, they say. They're wrong. We eat out regularly with our two year old and have a wonderful time. Here are a few tips to make sure that you can do it too.

First of all, make sure you choose a family-friendly restaurant. Look out for easily accessible (and clean) high chairs, a willingness to warm milk, free bibs and baby food (available at some rest stops and motorway service stations) and entertainment for your child in the form of crayons and paper or a soft play area.

In case none of this is available, you need to take your entertainment with you. Crayons and paper, an etch-a-sketch or other drawing board toy and a couple of books are often enough to distract your child from any thoughts of mayhem.

Choose your time carefully. Ideally, you should arrive half an hour or so before your child's regular mealtime, so that their food arrives on time. And don't even think about going out when your child is already tired - you'll be setting yourself up for the evening from hell.

Children are bad at waiting, so you'll need a food backup in case your order is late. Pack a box of raisins or snack bar. Although you're not supposed to take food from outside into eating establishments, if you politely explain that the alternative is a screaming child, they'll definitely turn a blind eye.

When placing your order, ask for your child's meal to be delivered first. That way, you can do any cutting up that's required and start the feeding process early and you'll be free to focus on your own meal when it arrives.

Make dining out interesting for your child. Talk about what you're going to order; point out what waiters and waitresses are doing; take a tour of the salad bar; discuss whatever's on the walls. Your child will be pleased to be included and won't even think about having a meltdown.

Once you've finished your main meal, ask for your bill at the same time as dessert. You'll want to make a quick getaway once you've demolished a sweet treat, because by then your little darling will be running out of patience.

We've been taking our daughter into restaurants before she could sit up. At first she was in a car seat, then a high chair, and now she can sit on a big chair (she's very proud of that!) She can order her own food (with please and thank you) and talk about what's happening. Don't think she's a paragon of virtue, because she's not - she's a very spirited two year old. But she enjoys eating out and generally behaves well enough for us to stay in the restaurant for an hour and a half or more. Since the parenting books claim that half an hour is pushing it, we don't think that's half bad. Why don't you try it, too?

By Sharon Hurley Hall

2005-08-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

Sibling Rivalry: The Magic Trick That Stops It Instantly

It's a familiar scene: Kids screaming at each other, complaining that, "He got a bigger piece of pie," or "She got to stay up an hour later last night."

When sibling rivalry rears its ugly head, what do you do?

Try to reason with the kids? Scream, threaten or punish them? Ignore it and run for cover?

None of these methods is very effective for very long.

But I've discovered a tactic that works every time. It really is guaranteed to end sibling battles, almost instantaneously. The only downside is it requires a bit of patience on your part.

The trick is understanding that it doesn't matter what the kids are arguing about, the real battle is for your attention.

Really. They could be screaming at the top of their lungs over who gets to play with a certain toy. They could be red-faced and foaming at the mouth over who got to sit in the favorite chair. It doesn't matter what they're arguing about. What they're really saying is, "Mom, I want more of your attention. I want to know you love me."

Understand this, and you're 80 percent of the way to resolving all sibling battles.

So here's how to resolve the battles: Try to catch them before the argument escalates to the point where one or both kids need to be reprimanded.

If you can't do that, wait for the next time. There always is a next time, isn't there?

Next, make it clear that you aren't taking sides.

Now try to discern which child is feeling the need for attention most. It will typically be the child who started it, though that's not always easy to figure out.

Turn to that child first and say, "Look, I can see you're upset. I'm wondering if maybe you need some more attention from me. Can I give you a hug?" (Or rub your back or throw the football around or whatever you do when you give your kids attention.)

When that child is calm, repeat with the other child(ren).

Your goal is to let your kids know that:

1) You understand they need your attention; and

2) You accept them; and

3) You aren't going to judge them for needing or wanting your love.

Depending on how old the kids are and how long the rivalry has lasted, you may hear a little sarcasm. But I promise you, there's a soft vulnerability underneath those barbs. If you can ignore the sarcasm and keep offering more attention, you'll be amazed how quickly the arguments disappear.

Giving them attention doesn't mean you have to be at their beck and call for the rest of the day. It may mean you give them hugs and kisses. It may mean sitting and talking with them. Or it may just mean sitting quietly and playing a game of their choice for a few minutes.

When They Both Want Your Attention at Once

It helps if you warn them that you'll have to take turns giving each child individual attention. I handle this in a really straightforward way.

I just say something like, "Listen, I can see you both want my attention now. And honestly, you both deserve it. (That's the best line I've come up with yet!)

I really want to give both of you the attention you deserve, but I'm only human. So how about if I sit over here and talk with you first, then I'll play a game with you...and so on."

This also works really well when there's a new baby in the house. Obviously, if you're in the middle of feeding, changing or bathing the baby, you can't give the older one(s) the attention they want.

So just say as sympathetically as possible, "You know what? I bet you want a hug right now, don't you?" Or, "Could you use some mommy time?" Or, "Does it seem to you like the baby is getting all my attention?"

Then say, "You deserve my attention, too. And I want to give it to you. Right now, I can't because I have to feed the baby. But as soon as I'm finished I'm going to...[give you a great big hug, play Candy Land with you, etc.]

Is This Really Guaranteed to Work?

Yes, but, of course, you have to put it into practice.

I am the first to admit that when I'm tired, hungry, cranky or PMSish (or worse, postpartumish!), I just can't bother with this trick. I mean, geez, even Barney would get PMS if he were a woman (and not a make-believe character)! So don't expect the battles to stop instantaneously and never arise again.

Plus, when the kids are tired and cranky, it doesn't matter how much attention you give them, they're not going to respond to anything but food and sleep. Understand that, too.

The reason this trick is guaranteed to work because it's based on understanding that the root of all sibling rivalry is a battle for your attention. Even if you do nothing other than understand that, and accept that all kids need attention (probably more than you have to give), you're 80% of the way there.

By Stephanie Gallagher

2005-08-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

How To Teach Children Loyalty and Dependability

Individualism is a common thing in today's modern society. Many people care more about themselves than others and do what they like with little consideration for people whom may be affected by their action. It is quite a sad thing. You can see that there are is a general lack of loyalty and commitment to people own belongings. For example,

increasing number of adultery cases (a lack of loyalty to family and spouse)

vandalism and destroying of public properties (lack of loyalty to country)

increasing cases of cheating in the corporate world and white collar crimes (lack of loyalty and commitment to the organization)

There is a need for us to teach loyalty to our children - loyalty to family, to country, church, schools and other organizations and institutions to which commitments are made. We have to teach them about reliability and consistency in doing what they say they will do.

Here are some general guidelines that help you to teach loyalty to your children:

Highlight Your Own Dependability

Make yourself an example of being dependable. We do things every day that illustrate our loyalty to our children and show our dependability in the family. However many of these things are so automatic that they are seldom noticed and seldom used as visible examples of important moral values.

At home, I often tell our 4-year-old daughter Ethel “Papa need to go out to work today so that I can bring in the money for the family to buy food and things that we need”. She understands it so well that she said to me some time ago, “Papa, I’ll love that you can stay at home more often and keep me company. However I know that you need to go out and work because we need you to bring in the money. So don’t worry, just go. You can keep me company when you are back tonight.” Honestly I feel very proud and touch by her sensitivity.

Last Sunday, Ethel forgot to bring her favorite toy to her English lesson – it is for the “show and tell” activity. She called me on my phone while I was at the hospital visiting my mom. She sound very sad and started to cry on the phone. Knowing how kids feel when they forget something that the teacher tell them to bring, I quickly said to her “Don’t worry my dear. I will definitely bring your favorite toy to you before your class begins. You can count on me. Just tell me what time your lesson starts”. And indeed, I arrive just in time for her lesson. That save her tears and added another point to her trust in her daddy that she can always count on him if she needs help.

Here are two more examples that you can use to highlight to your children about your dependability. Instead of saying, “I’ll pick you up after your lesson.” say “I will be there before 4 p.m. You can count on it.” Instead of just going to the concert where your child will be performing, tell her that “Papa will definitely be at the concert because I love you and I want to be with you and support what you do!”

Tell your children often that you will be there for them especially when they are going through difficult time. And take credit and pat yourself for your dependability and loyalty for your family. It makes you feel good and it is also the best way to instill the same qualities in your children.

Thanks Your Children and Praise Them for Every Evidence of Their Own Dependability

Praising your children reinforce the value and show them how often dependability can be used. Thanks your children when they are on time for an event or when they help you or their younger siblings. For example, whenever our 4-year-old daughter helps me to bring me the potty, baby wipe or food for her baby brother, I often say to her “Thank you my dear for your help. I can always count on you to help your brother.”

So make a commitment today, to never take for granted any act or evidence of dependability or loyalty. You can help your children to develop the great value of loyalty, dependability and reliability.

By Alvin Poh Hee Kwang

2005-08-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

Teaching Children Responsibility

What does it mean to teach your children responsibility? Every parent has a different answer and a different expectation of when and how their child will assume personal responsibility. One thing is for sure and that is that responsibility must be taught. It is not a natural skill, but it can be learned at any age. You do not become responsible when you are mature, but rather you become mature when you are responsible.

Four variables in this exciting venture;

1. Your child (learning style, age, motor skills, interest, hot buttons or incentives)

2. Your expectations (perfection or ever-learning, do you punish for the truth?)

3. Your example (use the 4 r’s, recognize, remorse, restitution and resolve to correct mistakes)

4. Consistency and follow-through (natural and logical consequences)

Outward responsibility deals with everyday things (life skills) chores, brushing teeth, returning videos on time. These are habits that make us productive and reliable.

Inward responsibility deals with attitudes, beliefs and values. This is where we look at the heart. It means admitting mistakes, being unselfish, caring for other people’s health, property and feelings.

2-step process:

1. Teach them the skill until it becomes a habit and then eventually it will become automatic action. Automatic action is action without conscious thought or planning. This is the difference between pre-decisions and situational ethics. For example, clearing your plate from the table, brushing your teeth, putting your bike away. You don’t have to decide what to do every time.

2. Praise the attitude, performance and effort. Use natural and logical consequences to reinforce the lesson. “Thanks for picking up your toys without being asked. It makes it easier for the whole family to maneuver when we don’t have to step over toys on the floor.”

You cannot expect a 35-year-old job from a 10-year old. You also cannot expect a 10- year-old job from a 10-year old who isn’t clear what is expected of him. We will have to occasionally jump in and help them do an unpleasant task, but not do it for them.

Voice and Choice: The more the child has the opportunity of “owning” the decision or problem, the more he/she will learn. The purpose of allowing natural consequences to occur and of designing logical consequences is to encourage children to make responsible choices, not punish them. This method permits a child to choose and then to be accountable for the decision whether it comes out well or not. Most children, when permitted to make poor choices, learn from the consequences. The most effective method of teaching is for you to remain matter–of-fact and non-punishing. This means separating the deed from the doer. If you were trying to teach your child a new skill, such as piano or tennis, you would probably be patient. You would expect and accept some mistakes.

Just regard teaching responsibility the same way. Regard slipups or wrong choices as a learning experience rather than a personal affront on your ability as a parent or teacher and everyone will be happier, more cooperative and responsible.

By Judy H. Wright

2005-08-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

More Water, Not Less, Will Help End Bedwetting

Children are notoriously bad at drinking enough liquids. They are so busy playing they sometimes 'forget' to drink. Sometimes, children seem like camels - able to go for ages without having a drink. Obviously, when they are thirsty they will rush indoors for a drink. But often they look for sugary, caffeine-laden drinks which are great for quenching thirst, but do little for the body's fluid levels.

That's because the caffeine in many drinks leads to extra urination. The result is that more liquid goes out of the body than is taken in. And therein lies a problem. Your child's body has inbuilt mechanisms to maintain the liquid levels. A lack of liquid intake, combined with the effects of caffeine in fluid output, means your child's body requires more liquids to maintain the right balance. In other words, their body starts to demand more liquid.

That demand for extra liquids usually starts at the worst possible time - early evening. Your child is home from school or from a day playing with friends and they suddenly want a drink. They gulp down whatever you give them and demand more - and more. This is because their hydration levels are low and their body's self defense mechanisms have kicked in to ensure that they don't become dehydrated.

However, the body always takes in more than it actually needs - just to be on the safe side. So that excess has to go somewhere. It is taken out by the kidneys, converted into urine and placed in the bladder for urination. But this can take a few hours to occur. The result is that your child's bladder has often not completed filling until after they have gone to bed.

If they have a poorly developed sense of bladder fullness while asleep, they will simply wet the bed. Many children wet the bed not because they drink too much, but because they don't drink enough!

If a child drinks plenty of water during the day, they need less during the evening. Also, because their body has had time during the day to regulate it's water levels, there is less need for urinating at night. Hence if a child drinks more during the day, the likelihood of bed wetting is reduced. Preventing your child from drinking too much liquid is actually working against you; it makes bed wetting more likely.

The problem for many parents is encouraging children to drink enough water during the day. As ever, changing your child's habits starts with changing your own. Start drinking more water yourself - it won't do you any harm! Your child will see you doing this and will not see water drinking as unusual.

Also, make sure you provide your child with water whenever they go out. Put a bottle of water in their bag and encourage them to drink it. Equally, raise the issue with school, suggesting that children should be encouraged to drink more. You don't need to mention your child's bedwetting - indeed you shouldn't as it will embarrass your child. However, if you can get your child's school to encourage more daytime drinking of water you'll be helping the overall health of the whole school - as well as reducing bedwetting in your own child.

By G Jones

2005-08-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

Starting a fathers' group

Father Is A Bit Frightened By Transformation Into A Mom with little or no real experience on how to handle siblings .

Q: I'm a stay-at-home dad and I'm feeling very isolated. I take my son with me to parks and other places where there are lots of other children but I never seem to connect with any of the other parents. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm shy or because I'm a man. What can I do?

A: Well, it could be one or both. Either way, one of the best ways to overcome your feelings of isolation or loneliness as a father is to join or start a fathers' group. I know it might sound a little risky, but it's a risk well worth taking.

I've led a number of groups for new dads and they almost always start off the same way, with a discussion of sports or politics or almost anything that has nothing to do with parenting. Then, almost by accident, someone will say something about a child and the floodgates open.

Stories tumble out, advice comes in from all sides, and a lot of guys find out that they aren't as alone as they thought they were. The groups almost always go on for way longer than they were scheduled for.

Joining (or, gulp, starting) a support group for dads offers some wonderful benefits:

• Secrets revealed: Women get a ton of parenting (and other) advice from other women: where to buy the best used children's clothes, places to take the kids on rainy days, surefire cures for illnesses, ways to soothe crying babies, finding and hiring baby-sitters. You'd be surprised how much you already know, and how much you'll be able to help other men.

• A road map: Although I tired of hearing the old cliche about how men don't ask for directions, when it comes to parenting, there's often some truth there. But in a group setting, you'll find out pretty quickly that you're not the only one who's feeling a little lost. Fortunately, every dad there has some directions that may help. And even if they don't, it's better to be lost with someone else than lost alone.

• Safety: I've found that dads' groups don't work nearly as well when there are women around. It's sometimes a lot easier to talk about sensitive issues with a bunch of guys who're going through (or have already been through or will be going through) what you are.

• Entertainment: Getting together with other men who've made fatherhood a priority in their lives can be a lot of fun. Could be in a park with the kids or it could be an adults-only event at someone's house or in a bar.

• It's good for you: There's plenty of research indicating that fathers who join support groups are generally happier. So don't think you can handle by yourself every fatherhood-related matter that comes up. You can't. And trying to do so will only hurt your kids and yourself.

Finding other fathers to join a group probably won't be easy. But if you put the word out you're sure to get some responses. Here are some likely sources of new (or existing) fathers:

• Your church or synagogue.

• The hospital where your baby was born.

• Your partner's OB/GYN.

• Your pediatrician.

• Leaders of mothers' groups.

If you aren't comfortable joining a group (and there are plenty of us who aren't), it's still important to make regular contact with other fathers. You can do this one-on-one with another father you know, or, if you've got a computer, by logging on to the Internet. There are discussion groups, lists and Web pages dealing with just about every aspect of parenting: some for both mothers and fathers, some just for fathers. Almost all are available for free.

BY . C . UGBOMEH

2005-08-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

Penguins’ provides inspirational parenting lesson

There are no buxom blonde penguins (they’re all flat-chested brunettes) to compete with Jessica Simpson, but for a wildlife documentary like “March of the Penguins” to be mentioned in the same box-office breath as “The Dukes of Hazzard” is a phenomenal accomplishment.

Narrator Morgan Freeman teases that the film – which chronicles the annual mating cycle of emperor penguins – is an Antarctic “love story.” And there are plenty of shots of fins caressing fins, beak-kissing scenes and even female penguins fighting over guys to support that notion. However, after watching a year in the life of these charismatic waddlers, “March” seems to be even more of a “parenting story.”

During mating season, the entire penguin population instinctively walks single file from the shore to a barren landscape inland to reproduce. Past experience a gazillion years ago proved that seashore birthing was a bad idea – many eggs inadvertently rolled into the frigid ocean. The farther inland the better because the outer shore of Antarctica is actually a shifting ice shelf. Unpredictable thawing means unpredictable egg drownings.

Back to the parenting. The birthing center is far away from any food source. The decision to have children means giving up food for two to four months. This fasting parenthood is not so much a choice, really, because there are no “Sex and the City” single career women penguins.

After taking two months to produce her egg, the mother splits for the shore to get some chow for her and the baby. The dad is left with the egg, nestled between his feet and a layer of blubber, for another two months of constant hunger. If he is careless, like one of those dads who doesn’t know how to change a diaper, then the 80-degrees-below-zero temperature (not including the wind-chill factor of 100 mph gales) will instantly kill the chick.

While the moms are going to get food, the dads huddle together 24/seven to retain body warmth in the ultimate example of male bonding. The guys also need to be constantly moving to generate warmth, while still shielding the egg, which must be like walking around with a soccer ball clenched between your legs for weeks.

The baby chicks hatch while the moms are out of town stuffing their faces with all the fish and squid they can eat. Then, in an incredulous example of self-discipline, the dads give their sons and daughters a small bit of food they had been saving in their throats for weeks. (I would’ve devoured it after day two of the fast.)

The dads lose an astounding 50 percent of their body mass during the first few months of fatherhood.

But while the moms are snacking on fish, leopard seals are waiting to feast on them. “March of the Penguins” contains a disturbing close-up sequence of a seal’s menacing jaws lunging after an elusive dinner. Aside from the occasional lion, cute animals that star in children’s books are not supposed to eat one another. As the narrator solemnly notes, the seals are actually killing two penguins with every meal. The baby chick waiting for food will be waiting in vain.

When the mothers do make it back to be with the babies, the fathers then take off to get some food. In one harrowing scene, a mother whose chick has frozen to death tries to kidnap a healthy chick from another mother. Surrounding bystanders don’t allow it, pummeling the would-be kidnapper until she gives up on the abduction.

Given the community outrage over one of their own abducting a newborn, it was shocking to observe how the mothers responded during an aerial attack from a gull. One straggling chick after another wrested itself from the gull’s beak until one of the weaker babies was finally carried away. The moms just stood there and watched the attack. Based on their previous aggressiveness, it’s fair to surmise that three or four of these penguins could have pounded the hell out of a gull.

Nonetheless, the overall parenting skills demonstrated in “March of the Penguins” offer inspiring examples of commitment and sacrifice. In the sequel, I hope the filmmakers might focus on some other daunting challenges of parenthood. Like featuring the 30-year-old slacker penguin who still lives with his parents. Or a surly teenage penguin who tells her parents, “I hate you!”

That’s the kind of penguin flick that might actually beat out “The Dukes of Hazzard.”
I would like to see a situation were by the penguin concept would be used address teenage moral issues like ,unprotected sex, drug abuse and rape.penguin concept might be instrumental to fundermental parenting problems.

2005-08-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

Is Buying Breast Milk Safe?

CBS) Cynthia Dewey and her husband knew, even before adopting their son Alex, that she would do whatever it took to provide him with mother's milk.

"I think it is a gift from God to breast feed," Cynthia Dewey tells CBS News correspondent Sandra Hughes. "My next best was to make sure he could get breast milk, so that he could grow healthy and strong, and be the best little boy he could be."

Like most moms, Dewey has gotten the message that breast milk is best, building immunities against ear infection, diarrhea and respiratory illness. So she's collected a freezer full of breast milk donated from women on the underground breast milk network.

Dewey finds them through parenting classes and word of mouth. And she meets every donor face to face.

Turning away from processed formula may be a trend. The demand for human milk has increased 37 percent in the past four years. But seeking out "untested" donations might not be safe. HIV, hepatitis and some viral infections can be passed through breast milk.

That's led to a human-milk banking system. There are licensed facilities serving premature infants and sick babies. The milk is pasteurized and thoroughly tested.

Pauline Sakamoto, director of Mother's Milk Bank, explains, "It is quite similar to what the blood banking industry does."

But there are only a handful of human-milk banks nationwide, and with demand for breast milk rising, bootleg breast milk sales are now popping up on the Internet. Women are selling their own milk at prices equal to the legitimate milk banks, about $3 an ounce, but with no testing whatsoever.

Sakamoto says, "Do you know if they've had past history of drug use that might be contra indicated? Do you know if they're smokers on the Internet? So to me it's just, the Internet, I think that there is a lot of risk."

Dewey says she'd never buy from the Internet, but she didn't think she could afford the milk bank either. Now, she is re-thinking the idea of testing.

Until then, little Alex's underground network is thriving, and so is he. my clear advice to all mothers ,is that if you want your baby to be healthy try not to adpot the notion of buying breast milk because its very possible that some bacterial organisms might be in it there by affecting the health of the child.God gave it to you for free to use not to buy it .

2005-08-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

Baby Signing – 10 Easy Ways to Start Signing with Your Baby

Babies can communicate their needs and desires a lot earlier than we think. They have an instinctive need to communicate. Baby signing is a pre-verbal form of communication. Babies can control their movements much earlier than mastering speech and can express all sorts of emotions, desires and wants with their hands! Baby sign language is key to learning how to interpret what your baby is telling you, eliminate the guesswork and to bond and enjoy life with your baby.

Imagine your baby being able to tell you they’re thirsty or hungry. Or that they’d like to read a book or tell you that they’ve just seen a bird in the garden. Or for you to be able to guide them on safety using signs like ‘hot’ or ‘stop’. All this is possible by talking to your baby and using appropriate baby signs. There are so many new experiences for your baby every day – new sights, new sounds, new objects, new people. And so much to talk about!

Scientific studies show baby sign language to be effective and beneficial for hearing babies in amazing ways. Research shows that signing babies had larger vocabularies, learned to talk earlier, showed less frustration, had more self-confidence, understood more words and scored higher in intelligence tests than non-signing babies

Signing with your baby is also rewarding for you. Imagine your joy seeing your baby ‘talking’ to you with signs. Of course it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a new skill for you and baby to master. But the months of learning together helping your baby to discover this skill will bring you closer together.

10 easy ways to get started with baby sign language.

1. Start early. Start using baby signs in your everyday routine with your baby, even from a few weeks old. Remember to say the word as you make the sign and point to the object. Over time it will just come naturally. Babies tend to develop the gross motor skills to be able to shape their hands and make signs sometime from 6 months upwards.

2. Keep it fun! The more relevant the signs are for your baby the more likely your baby is to want to ‘talk’ to you. Most babies enjoy pointing at objects they like in books. Use those visual clues to build your baby sign language vocabulary. Sign and say words from the books that you’re reading together.

3. Concentrate on a few signs at a time. Start with some simple signs like milk, car, home. You can build more and more signs into your baby sign language vocabulary over time.

4. Always say the word that you are signing. Baby signing helps with early language development as the signs are always done at the same time as the word is spoken.

5. Involve the family. Encourage older siblings, your partner, grandparents and other people that care for your baby. The more your baby is exposed to baby sign language the quicker he or she will learn.

6. Get together with a group of friends to sign. Better still go to a baby signing class if there’s one local to you. It’s very motivating to see other babies signing and it’s a great social activity to get out and about and meet other mums in your area.

7. Don’t let the sceptics get to you. People may try and tell you that baby signing slows down speech development. Baby signing was developed for hearing babies. If you’re learning signing based on your country’s deaf community language – e.g. BSL or ASL – then an added benefit will be that your baby is learning a skill that will enable them to communicate with the deaf community in later life.

8. Do what comes naturally. Adapt signs to suit you or your baby if you want. Above all have fun bonding!

9. Give it a go. If you don’t you’ll never know whether you could have reduced the frustration of the terrible twos, helped your baby’s development or been a happier parent of a more confident, happier baby.

10. Don’t give up. All babies develop skills and reach milestones at their own pace. Your baby will sign back to you when they’re ready. And when that moment happens, you and your baby will feel like you’ve shared your own eureka.

By Jenny Davis

2005-08-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

Develop Your Child's Genius - Right Brain/Left Brain Coordination

No matter how old your children are, you have an immense power to affect their growth, development and success in life. By actively pursuing activities that contribute to the better development of their brain, you provide them with an advantage over all other kids, and increase their chances to be successful in life. By doing that, you also make sure they will have plenty of experiences of success and achievement, so that they become self confident, positive and optimistic.

There is a lot of talk recently about the “Right Brain/Left Brain” issue. Basically, researchers have found that the human left brain is “responsible” for completely different functions than the right brain. Researchers have concluded that in every person, one of these hemispheres of the brain is dominant. According to this theory, the left brain is the analytical one, responsible for measurement, logic, math, analysis and the right brain is responsible for creativity, art, intuition and the use of words. Some people even claim that men are left brain dominant, while women are usually right brain dominant, and proceed to explain that men think in pictures, while women think in words. No wonder, they claim, there is such a big gap in communication between men and women!

Research has shown that it is very important to increase the communication, or the connection between the 2 hemispheres of the brain. If we do that, we increase the functionality of the brain. This can be done in all ages, and has proven to be beneficial. Improved balance between the two hemispheres, improves peace of mind, harmony, reading and comprehension, and develops better concentration and focus.

The activities that have been shown to develop and improve the brain hemisphere connectivity are usually the ones that use both sides of the body in concert. The cross pattern we all use while walking or swimming and babies use when they crawl, develops and strengthens the connection between the brain hemispheres. By cross pattern, I mean the movement when we bring the right arm and the left leg forward, and then the left arm and the right leg. It has been shown that some brain injured children who did not crawl, developed severe handicaps, and by practicing the activity of crawling, they have shown surprising improvements.

If you have a very young baby, and you want to help it develop strength in both sides of the brain, you can massage both feet or both hands, for a few minutes, several times every day. When you gently massage your baby’s feet, and stimulate both feet at the same time, and then each foot – one after the other, and watch your baby’s face, you will notice that your baby enjoys this activity very much. It is not necessarily a calming activity, because massaging the baby’s feet is actually stimulating.

I recommend doing this a few minutes every day, before or after changing the baby’s diapers. This activity also forces you to take a few minutes a day to look into your baby’s eyes, smile to the baby, and massage its feet and hands. You will notice that it strengthens the bond you are creating with your baby, and this is a priceless bonus.

Another activity that has been proven to greatly contribute to higher intelligence as well as better health is swimming. This activity can be done at any age, and if you swim with your baby or your child, it will contribute to your health too. If you have a baby, find a “water babies” affiliate in your area. If you have an older child, there are many ways to involve them in swimming. Encourage them to participate on a swim team, or to get involved with a school swimming activity. Practicing every day will improve their health tremendously.

Very young babies enjoy being in the water, kicking their legs and use their arms for swimming. Many YMCA centers have baby swimming classes. If you have a swimming pool at home, or you belong to a club, you can take your baby with you into the water, and hold it in the water. However, make sure that the water they swim in is warm. Babies need a higher temperature than adults need. Also make sure the water is clean. The quality of water is important to children of all ages, and I have to remind you to watch your child at any time when they are in the water, to prevent drowning. Please use caution.

Be aware, that very young babies have a very heavy head compared to their body, and they cannot by themselves keep their head above water. So make sure that your baby is supported at all times.

Another activity that improves the brain connectivity and balance is crawling. If your baby is still young, and does not crawl yet, swimming is preferred. You can also team up with a friend or a partner, and “imitate” crawling movement holding the baby’s arms and legs, in cross pattern. You stand on one side of the baby, while the baby is laying on its tummy, and the partner on the other side. You hold a hand and a foot, and so does the partner. Then while you bring the arm forward, the partner brings the leg forward, and visa versa, creating a rhythm. Do it just for a few minutes, while having fun. You can repeat it several times a day.

For all children who know how to crawl, make sure your child has room and opportunity to crawl. You might have to clean the floors, and make sure that the floor is free of little objects your child can choke on, but encourage the child to crawl as much as possible.

For older children, chasing each other while crawling can be a fun and enjoyable game. You can get on your hands and knees too, it will do you good! If you have several children, encourage them to play “catch” while crawling. This is good exercise, and it contributes to their intelligence.

Walking and running are natural activities, that utilize the cross pattern, and are great at balancing right and left hemispheres of the brain.

As we know, most people have a dominant hand. Statistically, most people are right handed, but there are many left handed people. In the past, (a few generations ago), it was common practice to force children to use their right hand for writing, tie their left arm behind their back, if they attempted to use it for writing. Children were punished for using their left hand for writing, cutting with scissors, playing ball etc.

For school age children, an exercise has been shown to create wonders: practice writing using your weak hand. If you are left handed, practice writing with your right hand, and if you are right handed, practice writing with your left hand. This can feel very awkward at first, and takes some practice. So I recommend turning it into a game. Do it with your child, take turns and compete. The person who writes clearer, or faster, wins. For example, every word earns a number of points, and whoever earns most points gets am award. Invent some games, and turn it into a fun activity.

Only a few minutes of practice a day, will make a big difference. And remember – by doing this you are giving your child an advantage many other children do not have.

Another activity that is amazingly productive for your child: drumming. I know, this is not for everybody. If you cannot stand the noise, maybe it is not the right activity for you. However, when your child learns how to drum, he is using both hands in turn, and is also learning a pattern. It will be a lot of fun to play a game, in which one of you invents a pattern and “drums” it (you don’t need a drum for this) and the other(s) have to recognize the pattern and imitate it. You can provide an award, and use it as an incentive. The pattern can become more and more complicated as you get better at this game. This game strengthens your child audio memory, improves the brain connectivity and improves pattern recognition.

By Esther Andrews

2005-08-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

14 Steps To Reducing Your Infant's Reflux

Many of the things listed below will help with your baby's discomfort and spitting up, eliminating the need for medication.
POSITIONING STEPS FOR REDUCING REFLUX
Positioning During and After Feeds
1. Keeping the child upright during and for at least thirty minutes after feeds can help to reduce reflux by allowing gravity to work at holding the food in their tummies. As well, after feeding, try to keep them as motionless as possible for at least thirty minutes after feeding. Formula fed babies may require longer periods since formula is digested slower than breastmilk.
A Word About Car Seats
2. Some car seats position baby in such a way that they hunched and slouched over, putting added pressure on their tummies which can increase reflux episodes. Look for a car seat that allows baby to be reclined enough that they aren't slouched yet, inclined enough that they are fairly upright.
Sleeping Position
3. As with positioning after feeding, keeping baby propped during sleep is essential when they have reflux. It can help reduce painful reflux episodes and reduce the risk of aspiration.
Prone vs. Supine (Front vs Back)
4. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends all babies sleep in the supine position (on their backs) because it has been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS. This is fine for babies with reflux as long as the baby is safely propped up to at least 30%, we found the higher baby is propped the better. Having said that, many babies with reflux prefer sleeping in the prone position (stomach), also elevated of course, and may have less reflux episodes in this position. Discuss this with your doctor and he can help decide if it's okay, and how to safely manage allowing baby to sleep in the prone position. It's very important to discuss this with the doctor before trying it as babies with reflux are already at an increased risk of SIDS.
Carrying
5. Try carrying baby around as much as possible in a baby carrier through out the day. Carried babies tend to cry less and crying will make reflux worse, plus, it keeps baby upright.
CLOTHING AND REFLUX
Avoid Tight Clothing
6. Tight clothing, particularly clothing that's tight around baby's tummy, can make reflux worse by increasing pressure on the LES (lower esophageal sphincter). Make sure baby stays in loose fitting, elastic waists whenever possible.
FOOD / FEEDING TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS
Food
7. Breastfeeding is definitely best for a baby with reflux because it is more hypoallergenic than formula and is digested twice as fast as formula. If breastfeeding is not chosen or not possible by the mother, formula changes can help some babies. If the baby has a milk or lactose allergy or intolerance giving the baby formula that is milk based can make reflux worse. Learn about the different types of formula available and discuss this possibility with your pediatrician.
Thickening
8. Some babies with reflux will respond well to thickening their feeds with cereal. Thickening formula can help for a few reasons. The added weight of the cereal in the food helps to keep the food from splashing around in the baby's belly and can help keep it down. Babies who are having difficulty gaining weight may also benefit from the added calories. Generally, it's recommended that about one tablespoon of cereal should be added for every ounce of formula. If the formula isn't thick enough, it won't work. Also, some babies may react poorly to rice cereal which is generally the first tried, so adding oatmeal instead may work better for some babies. As always discuss this with your pediatrician before trying it.
Feeding Time
9. When and how much a baby is fed can also have an impact on their reflux. Smaller more frequent meals through out the day work much better than larger, less frequent meals. Also, avoid feeding baby right before bedtime, particularly if the baby is already a poor sleeper.
Breastfeeding
10. If you are breastfeeding, try eliminating the foods that can make reflux worse. Dairy products are a big offender, as is caffeine, fatty foods, spicy foods, citrus fruits. If eliminating these things seems to help, you can slowly (about one thing a week) start to introduce one thing at a time back into your diet and watch baby's reactions. This will help give you an idea of exactly what was making the reflux worse, so that you (hopefully) don't need to give up everything you love, just one or two things.
Burping
11. Stopping to burp baby frequently (at least after every ounce) during feedings can help.
Provide a Pacifier
12. Sucking on a pacifier or dummy, can increase saliva production. Saliva is alkaline which can help neutralize some of the acid that may come up.
Avoid Certain Foods and Liquids
13. More so for older children and babies, there are certain foods that are known to make reflux worse, as mentioned above. These should be avoided.
OTHER
Infant Massage
14. Try infant massage, it's been shown to improve digestion and will help relax babyof the things.

By Roni MacLean

2005-08-18T05:27:00.000-07:00

How to Protect Your Baby from SIDS

What do These Things Have in Common: An Epidemic of Baby Deaths in 1890, An Ambassador’s Sudden Illness, Swamp Gas, and Old Mattresses?
The Answer Could Save Your Baby’s Life!
All of these are clues which have brought scientists to the startling answer to the question, “Why do babies die of SIDS?”
For unknown reasons, parents of healthy babies wake only to find to their horror, their babies have died in the night. This was called Crib Death in the U.S.A., or Cot Death in the U.K. It is now called by the acronym SIDS for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
Little is known of this tragic malady except for statistics:
SIDS is more common in babies from lower socio-economic classes.
A second-born child is twice as likely to die from it as a first-born.
A third-born child is even more likely to die from SIDS.
More cases occur in the winter months.
A higher percentage of babies die from SIDS while sleeping in their parent’s bed than in their cribs.
The incidence of SIDS deaths is higher in Day Care Centers.
SIDS usually strikes infants between the ages of 1 month to 1 year.
73% of babies who died from SIDS were found sleeping on their stomachs.It was a New Zealand pediatrician who discovered this last statistic while questioning the mothers of SIDS babies. Using this statistic alone, he recommended infants be put to sleep on their backs instead of their stomachs.
This works beyond a doubt. Countries who have adopted this “Back to Sleep” recommendation have seen a 38% drop in the rate of SIDS. The problem with this recommendation:
No one knew why this works and,
After 5 months of age most babies can roll over, putting themselves at risk.
Clues to a Present Epidemic from a Past One
In Italy in the 1890’s more than one thousand babies died in a mysterious epidemic.
A green pigment called Paris Green was all the rage at that time and was used extensively in fabrics in Italian homes. This pigment was made from a chemical process which contained arsenic. Arsenic, when in contact with mold or mildew produces a heavier-than-air gas called arsine. This gas collected on the floors where the Italian babies crawled. They died without outward symptoms.
60 years later, in 1955 this knowledge helped diagnose the sudden illness of the American Ambassador to Italy, Claire Booth Luce. She became seriously ill while sleeping in her room at the embassy. She was suffering from arsine poisoning. Mildew feeding on arsenic in her wallpaper’s paste and ceiling paint had created the gas which made her seriously ill, ending her career.
In 1989 an English chemist, Dr. Barry Richardson studied the mattresses on which 200 infants had died of SIDS. He was searching for gasses thought to be causing these deaths.
Being a renowned chemist with 247 published scientific papers to his credit; Dr. Richardson knew mildew and mold feeding on chemicals often produces gasses. The most common being ammonia created from microbes feeding on nitrogen.
Phosphorus is a common element. Its gas, called phosphine is commonly created in swamps by microbes feeding on the phosphorus found there. This gas sometimes is ignited by methane rising from the swamp and creates a phenomenon known as “swamp fires.”
The suspected gasses in the SIDS deaths were; arsine from arsenic, phosphine from phosphorus, and stibine from the element antimony.
The lethal effects of arsine are well known due to the disastrous epidemic in Italy.
Phosphine has properties similar to mustard gas. The Technology Transfer Network Air Toxics Website of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency says of phosphine, “Phosphine is used as an insecticide for the fumigation of grains, animal feed, and leaf-stored tobacco. Acute (short-term) inhalation exposure to phosphine may cause headaches, dizziness, fatigue, drowsiness, burning substernal pain, nausea, vomiting, cough, labored breathing, chest tightness, pulmonary irritation, pulmonary edema, and tremors in humans.”
The U.S. Dept. of Labor’s website lists the symptoms of stibine as: “Headaches; weakness; nausea, abdominal pain; lumbar pain; hemoglobinuria, hematuria; hemolytic anemia; jaundice; lung irritation.” The Health effects: “Acute Systemic Toxicity.”
An Idea + A Simple Invention = Lives Saved
In 1986 Dr. J. T. Sprott, a New Zealand Chemist, suggested SIDS deaths were caused by poisoning from gasses which were generated from chemicals in the babie’s mattresses. He developed a mattress cover which is free of the suspected chemicals and impermeable to gasses. Although he was ridiculed for his lack of scientific data and his lack of “blind studies,” NO BABIES who have slept with their mattresses covered with the cover Dr. Sprott developed have died in New Zealand.
Finally an Explanation for the Statistics!
Mildew and mold need two things to thrive: warmth and moisture. Both are found in abundance in crib mattresses with the infants supplying both. The longer a mattress is in use the more time fungus spores and microbes have to take hold and grow.
Modern mattresses, usually made of polyvinyl chloride burn readily and break down into their original components, releasing gasses. This is called out-gassing. Arsenic, antimony, and phosphorus, along with even more chemicals are added to mattresses to slow this breakdown and as a fire retardant.
Dr. Sprott, Dr. Richardson and other scientists surmised that molds and mildew in the infant’s mattresses were feeding on the added chemicals causing the formation of toxic gasses. The babies were breathing in these gasses. Not being able to move away or lift themselves, they died.
This explains why:
SIDS is more common in babies from lower socio-economic classes. Poorer families often use previously used mattresses. The longer a mattress has been in use, the more time mold and mildew have to develop and feed on the chemicals in these mattresses.
Second and third-born children are twice as likely to die from SIDS as a first-born. Again, the same mattress often is used for subsequent babies. Prolonged use creates more density of mold.
More cases occur in the winter months. Closed houses with less ventilation and high humidity are the perfect environment for molds and mildew.
A higher percentage of babies die from SIDS while sleeping in their parent’s bed than in their cribs. The parent’s pillows and their mattress have the same properties as the crib mattresses. These added chemicals in pillows and mattresses have been linked to illnesses in adults also.
The incidence of SIDS death is higher in Day Care Centers. Again, mattresses used for a long time.
SIDS usually strikes infants between the ages of 1 month to 1 year. Newborns are often in bassinets, which are only used for a short period. Older babies are able to move around and stand up to get away from these heavy gasses.
73% of babies who died from SIDS were found sleeping on their stomachs. Stibine and arsine are very heavy gasses. Sleeping on their stomachs puts the infants’ faces directly in the trapped gasses. Putting them on their backs lessens the exposure, but does not eliminate it.
Dr. Richardson’s research on the 200 SIDS related mattresses released to him by local coroners showed every mattress infected by the Scopulariopsis brevicaulis fungus from the babies’ sweat and other body moisture. Every mattress had at least one of the chemicals, phosphorus, antimony and arsenic. He found also that 95% of these mattresses had been used by a previous baby.
Why isn’t this shouted from the rooftops?
Critics of Richardson’s theory argue that there has been no controlled study on this subject so therefore there is no scientific evidence backing it up. Dr. Richardson used newspapers and television to warn of his findings before he published a paper on it. This led to his being accused of unscientific behavior, i.e. “unnecessarily frightening mothers.”
Dr. Sprott also found himself at odds with the scientific community for much the same reasons. He blatantly claimed his protective covering prevented SIDS. This infuriated the medical establishments.
As a rebuttal: The use of phosphorus and antimony as fire retardants in mattresses has not been scientifically proven to be safe, especially for infants.
The answer to the accusation of no controlled studies: No ethical person in his right mind would use infants as guinea pigs in a controlled study of this subject. The proof, as with the proof of the benefits of the “Back to Sleep” campaign, comes with time.
How Can You Protect Your Baby?
No matter what controversy surrounds this theory, no matter if the theory is untested, if is wrong, or if there is something else in these mattresses causing these deaths, the action for a responsible parent to take is clear:
Put infants to sleep on their backs.
Use a new mattress when possible and cover your baby’s mattress with a gas impermeable covering which does not have or was not manufactured with the use of the toxic-gas producing chemicals. Polyethylene is such a material. Used in thick sheets it won’t cause suffocation or overheating. Wrap it securely around the mattress, being sure to leave space in the underside to ventilate the gasses safely downwards.
Use organic, chemical free bedding made from natural fibers. Organic wool is naturally fire resistant and therefore has no added chemicals. It wicks moisture away from the body where it evaporates. This causes a dry environment resistant to molds, mildew, and dust mites. Use organic wool for bedding whenever possible.
Write your congressperson, and others in authority to lobby to eliminate the addition of chemicals to crib mattresses.
Whether Dr. Richardson is right or not, these steps will cause no harm to your precious baby, and may just save his life.

By Suzy Sharpe

2005-08-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

Baby Products – Essential Baby Products, Which Ones Do I Really Need?

There are many essential baby products a new parent must purchase. Cribs, car seats, baby monitors, baby strollers, high chairs and clothing are all necessary to ensure your child’s safety and comfort. However, there are many baby products out there that are not worth wasting your money on, but are marketed to parents as being vital for a baby’s growth and development. Parents always want the best for their child and therefore purchase these items that do not serve a great function. This guide reveals the important baby products a parent must obtain to properly care for their child.

Baby Strollers

The baby stroller is an item every parent must have for his or her child. Before you purchase a stroller, however, consider how you are going to use it and the money you are willing to spend. This makes the process of buying a stroller much easier. There are many types of strollers to choose from including: full-size, mid-size, lightweight, umbrella, jogger, double and triple baby strollers. Parents who do a lot walking should consider purchasing a full or mid size stroller, while active parents are better suited for the jogger stroller. Lightweight and umbrella strollers are appropriate for parents who travel around frequently because they are easy to stow away. Finally, double and triple strollers are made for parents who need to transport two or three young children in one stroller.

Baby Cribs

Babies spend the majority of their time in the crib. Therefore, every parent should invest a significant amount of energy in selecting a safe baby crib and mattress. Safe baby cribs must always have adjustable sides, the space between the crib bars must not exceed 2 and 3/8 of an inch, and the crib must be sturdy. The crib mattress has to be firm and fit properly into the crib because the baby can suffocate if this protocol is not followed. Baby bedding ought to be kept to a minimum—one cotton fitted bed sheet and a light blanket will suffice. Never place pillows, toys or heavy blankets in your child’s crib.

Baby Car Seats

A baby car seat is one of the essential baby products to purchase for your new child. The car seat protects the child against injury in the event of an accident. There are three main types of car seats available:

Rearward-facing infant car seats
Forward-facing baby car seats
Booster car seats

The rearward facing baby car seats are used mostly for infants who do not exceed 29 pounds to support their neck, back and spine. The forward-facing car seats are perfect for children between 20 and 40 pounds and should be secured with a tether strap on the car frame. Lastly, booster seats are made for children who can no longer fit into a normal child car seat. The booster seat basically lifts the child so they can use a regular seat belt properly. In addition, always remember all child car seats must be placed in the rear of the car away from airbags.

Baby High Chairs

A high chair is one of the baby products a parent doesn’t need right after the infant arrives home from the hospital. Although, once your child can independently sit upright a baby high chair becomes a necessity at mealtimes. Wooden, conventional, adjustable and booster high chairs are just some of the styles on the market. Regardless of the model you choose make sure your highchair has the following features:

The high chair must have two support straps—one should be around the waist and the other must be between the child’s legs.
All baby high chairs must have trays that lock firmly into the chair.
The legs of the high chair should be spaced apart in order to properly anchor it to the ground and prevent tipping.

Baby Clothes

Baby clothes are one of the obvious baby products a parent must buy. Keep in mind when shopping for clothes to purchase outfits that are functional for you and the baby. For instance, try to choose clothes that are not complicated to get off come changing time. Also, purchase clothing that is appropriate for the season your child is going to be born in. This step prevents you from buying clothing that is not necessary for your baby’s immediate needs. When selecting baby clothes hand me downs are a good way to go because babies grow at such a rapid pace. Hand me downs save you a lot of money and usually come in very good condition. Never buy second hand clothing that is worn out because it could potentially rip posing a safety hazard to your baby.

Baby Monitors

Baby monitors help parents keep a watchful eye on their little one without having to be in the same room all the time. This enables parents to multi-task without jeopardizing their child’s safety. Over the years there have been many technological advances in the baby monitor realm. Sound monitors are still the most extensively used ones, but now visual, temperature, movement and breathing monitors are becoming more common. Visual (or TV) monitors are great for parents who want to see what baby is up to at all times. These monitors are quite expensive, but can later be converted into a security system. Temperature and breathing monitors are useful for parents who are concerned about their child’s health. These monitors inform parents of the temperature in the baby’s room and whether it is too hot or cold.

Other Useful Items

Besides the aforementioned baby products there are many other small items a new parent needs to purchase for their child. Diapers, pacifiers, bottles, shampoo, soap, bottle warmers, a diaper pail and travel bags are just some of the baby products required. When purchasing baby products always stick to these basic items - do not get sidetracked by gimmicks. Before buying a product always ask yourself the question: “Do I really need this for my baby’s well-being?” Good luck with all the shopping!

By Dorothy Smith

2005-08-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

Safely Feeding Babies - 10 Important Tips

Babies usually triple their birth weight the first year. That’s why nutritious and safely handled food, served in an age-appropriate way, is so important. Being aware of safe food handling practices and potential feeding dangers are the best ways to protect your family from food illnesses and accidents, while also giving your child a healthy start on development and growth. Here are a few important tips and reminders.

1. Wash Hands. It's important to wash your hands before preparing food or beverages, especially when feeding babies. According to a Penn State University study of mothers with infants less than 4 months old many moms said they routinely forget to wash their hands after changing baby’s diaper, and using the bathroom. Not washing hands could result in infant diarrhea from the bacteria transferred while engaging in these activities.

2. Handle Bottles Carefully. Although some babies will drink a bottle straight from the refrigerator, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) advises most babies prefer milk warmed to room temperature. Warm the bottle by holding it under a running hot-water faucet or putting it in a bowl of hot water for a few minutes. Shake well and test milk temperature to make sure it's not too hot before feeding. Microwaves can heat unevenly. Children’s mouths and throats can be severely burned by bottles heated in the microwave. Always discard leftover milk in bottle to reduce the growth of harmful bacteria.

3. Cow's Milk. Avoid serving regular cow's milk until infants are 1-year-old. Before then, infants may experience an allergic reaction, stomachache and low blood iron. When you begin serving regular cow's milk, serve whole milk. Do not switch to lower fat milk until the baby's doctor recommends this change usually around age 2.

4. Mixing Cereal and Formula in the Bottle. Do not serve cereal mixed with formula from a bottle. Many think this practice helps babies sleep better through the night, however there is no evidence of this. Plus, there is a possibility of a baby choking.

5. Hold Baby When Bottle-Feeding. Babies who are put to bed with a bottle are more likely to have cavities. This practice also increases the potential of choking.

6. Limit Juice. Serve only 100 percent juice and in small quantities so it doesn't interfere with the infant eating other nutritious foods. AAP recommends giving juice diluted with water only to infants who are approximately 6 months or older and who can drink from a cup. AAP recommends offering no more than a TOTAL of 4 to 6 ounces of juice a day to infants. (Source: American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Nutrition)

7. Avoid Honey And Corn Syrup. Do not serve infants honey or corn syrup during the first year of life. These foods may contain botulism spores that could cause illness or death in infants.

8. Food Introductions. When introducing new foods, try only one at a time, and start with single-ingredient foods. Avoid serving mixed ingredient foods until each food has been given separately. Begin by serving about 1 to 2 tablespoons and then increase the amount as baby wants more. Wait at least 3 days before trying another new food so you can tell if there are any adverse reactions.

Iron-fortified rice cereal is usually the first food offered, as this is easily digested. It's frequently recommended to continue fortified baby cereal through the first year of life. Remember your baby will still be receiving the majority of nutrition from breast milk or formula during the first year.

9. Serve Solids Safely. Transfer an amount you feel baby will eat from the baby food jar to a dish. Throw away any food left uneaten in the dish. Avoid feeding directly from the baby food jar. Bacteria from a baby's mouth can grow and multiply in the food before it is served again. Use refrigerated jarred baby foods within 1 to 2 days after opening.

Once opened, do not leave baby food solids or liquids (breast milk or formula) at room temperature for more than 2 hours. Bacteria can grow to harmful levels when food is left out longer than this.

10. Choking Hazards. Avoid serving foods that may choke an infant, such as nuts and seeds, raw carrots and celery, whole kernel corn, raisins, large chunks of meat or cheese, popcorn, chips, pretzels, grapes, whole berries, cherries, unpeeled fruits and vegetables, hard candies, pickles, hot dogs, marshmallows (regular or miniature), and peanut butter. In general, avoid foods that are round and firm, sticky and chewy or cut in large chunks.

As infants grow into toddlers, they can begin eating the foods above, if cut into small pieces. Most pediatricians advise foods should be no larger than 1/4 inch for toddlers and 1/2 inch for preschoolers.

By Lisa Barnes

2005-08-16T03:20:00.000-07:00

How to Silence Your Child's Inner Critic

Children do what feels good to them and follow their natural instincts. Well meaning parents teach children that it is not socially acceptable to behave in certain ways, thus going against a child's natural inclinations. Children internalize the voices from their parents, teachers and other adults in their lives and start to criticize themselves. Although parents are being helpful, this often contributes to the birth of the inner critic.

Who is the Inner Critic?

The inner critic is the voice inside everyone's head who periodically points out our failures, inadequacies, and our shortcomings. Although disguised as a friend, confidante, this inner critic sabotages our best interest. The inner critic undermines our belief in our abilities.

In children, the inner critic tells the child that they are not smart enough, good enough, or talented enough to accomplish their goals. Children start to use their inner dialog as a defense mechanism against the world. The inner critic criticizes the child before the world can. The inner critic gets the child to believe that it is helping the child by offering "constructive criticism". The truth is that criticism can never be constructive. According to Merriam -Webster dictionary, the definition of constructive is: promoting improvement or development, while the definition of criticize is: to find fault with: point out the faults of. Since the inner critic is so powerful and convincing, how can parents help their children deal with their inner critic?

Help children to identify when their inner critic is attacking. Since the inner critic attacks mentally, physically and emotionally, you can help your child to know when the inner critic is set in motion.

Signs of the inner critic are fear, feeling powerless, feeling disappointed or discouraged, feeling tired or sick (such as a belly ache or headache), self blame and lack of motivation. Once the child senses when the inner critic is at play, help them to observe the underlying situation. What is the inner critic telling your child that he/she can not or should not do? Tell you child to observe what he/she is feeling physically and emotionally when the inner critic attacks. It might be helpful to have your child write down whatever he/she is feeling. It could be just one sentence such as: I am not a good at math. My hands get sweaty and my stomach hurts when I have to take a math test. Have your child do this whenever he/she notices the inner critic. If your child is young, ask him/her to draw a picture about what it feels like.

Help your child to develop powerful self-talk. Helping your child to develop powerful self -talk takes time and practice. This is a tool that is useful for parents too! It is very easy for us to name our weaknesses or to recognize our limiting beliefs. However, it takes time for us to identify our strengths and potential. Try this exercise: Ask you child to tell you 5 things he/she believes is a weakness or something he/she is not good at. Time how long it take for them to respond. Next, ask 5 things he/she knows is strength or something he/she is good at. Time how long it takes for a response again. Most children who have a healthy self-esteem and practice powerful self talk are able to tell you their strengths much quicker than their weaknesses. You can help your child nurture his/her strengths by brainstorming on strengths and helping your child to use his/her strengths more often. Make a list of all the strengths and post it on the wall, where your child can see it on a daily basis. Start to focus less on your child's weaknesses and more on their strengths.

Use your relaxation techniques with your child. Have your child practice deep breathing or use any other method that calms him/her down. For breathing exercises, have your child concentrate on his/her breathing and to visualize the air going in and out. Massage your child's head, neck and shoulders and loosen tight muscles. Use this opportunity for your child to open up and talk. If your child starts talking, just listen without interrupting.

Offer positive feedback. Listen to how your child explains what failure means to them. How does your child react when he/she fails a test or scores lower than expected? Find out what position your child takes on his/her accomplishments or failures? Don't rush to solve the problem or tell your child why he/she failed. Let your child use critical thinking skills to identify what is going on. If you notice your child making excuses or talking down to him or self, make your child aware of it. Help your child to problem solve by letting them talk and you listen.

Be a role model. Do you have a grasp on your inner critic? Does your child notice how you behave when your inner critic attacks? When you are disappointed or have failed at something, talk to your child about it. Be honest with your child about your own inner critic. Notice how you behave when your inner critic attacks and set the example for your child. Let your child see you demonstrating healthy ways of dealing with disappointment.

One thing to remember is that the inner critic never goes away. As parents, we can offer support and encouragement to our children to let them know we are here to help them. Watch your language, let your child dream big, and focus on your child's strengths. By being aware of their inner critic, children can transform the inner voice from a critic to a useful guide.

By Marie Roker

2005-08-16T03:05:00.000-07:00

What Parents Should Do For Children To Do Their Best After Divorce?

Why do some children still do best after divorce and separation? Is there divorce parenting approaches that really work? Read and learn the divorce parenting approaches that really work.

Going through the process of divorce is a challenging life transition for both parents and children. During their parents' divorce, children often feel a wide variety of conflicting emotions. It is very important for parents to provide their children with understanding and support. Overall, the children who do best after divorce and separation are those whose parents dominantly employ 5 divorce parenting approaches. They:

Listen to children and nurture an independent and empathic relationship with each of them.
Fully support the children's relationships with the other parent making them feel loved and wanted in both homes.
Develop positive strategies for setting limits and imposing appropriate discipline.
Continue to hold reasonably high expectations for the children, regardless of trying circumstances.
Shield the children from their parental disagreements and resentments.

Each of the above is presented here below in great detail.

1. Listen to children and nurture an independent and empathic relationship with each of them.

To better help our children we must first understand them. To be able to understand them completely, we need to listen and create an environment favorable for them to speak out. To make things happen, you need to:

Encourage your children to talk about how they feel. Let your children know that they can openly talk to you about their feelings of your separation or divorce.
Keep lines of communication open and answer all questions about the changes. Make sure your children feels like they can ask you questions and get answers about why the divorce happened and what to expect.
Convey that you are genuinely interested in their input. This will make your children feel they are participating in contributing to the process of recovering from the divorce.

2. Fully support the children's relationships with the other parent making them feel loved and wanted in both homes.

Research tells us that children benefit from keeping the familial ties in their life that were meaningful and important to them prior to the divorce. Of these familial ties, the most important are the child-parent ties. Remember that divorce does not end children's need for parents or it ends your role as parent. You should:

Recognize that for your child to have the best chance of growing up to be a functional human male or female, he/she will need both parents as role models and nurturers. This means that there should be some pathway of getting through to the child whatever good that parent has to offer.
Respect your child's needs to have both parents there for them, without having them worry that they are going to die of embarrassment if you both start to fight in public. Encourage the other parent to stay involved in the children's school and extra-curricular activities.
Allow the children to enjoy the time that they spend with each parent. Encourage your children to spend good times with the other parent. Don't be jealous or upset, as children do not want to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
Help your children and ex-spouse have a successful relationship as just as you would help your children to succeed in school or sports. Remember that your ex-spouse is an important part of your child's life. Just like you, your children have a shared history with this person as well as the present and future.

3. Develop positive strategies for setting limits and imposing appropriate discipline.

Often after a divorce parents will either become stricter or more lenient. Some parents feel like the other parent is letting the child get away with everything; therefore, they attempt to enforce discipline across both homes. Other parents do not want to spend the limited time they have with their child punishing them and tend to be too lenient. It can be difficult for children when their parents have drastically different rules and expectations. To give the child a sense of stability and security, you should do the following:

Maintain consistent routines. Children feel more secure when there is a standard routine. At times, some parenting issues require communication and coordination between parents, if the child spends time with both parents. Both parents don't have to do things exactly the same way, but it is easier for children if most things are similar at each home.
Set limits and rules clearly, and enforces them. But within these limits do allow leeway for your children to be children.

4. Continue to hold reasonably high expectations for the children, regardless of trying circumstances.

Help your children have positive feelings about themselves. Children who feel good about them usually succeed. They seem to get better grades in school, they are better at taking on hard jobs, and they try their best. Also, they tend to make better friends because they seem surer of themselves. As parents, you can play an important role in helping children have positive feelings about themselves. Here are some ways you can help your children to feel good about them.

Help them learn to set realistic and reachable goals so they can regularly achieve success. Praise them for success.
Give your children responsibility so that they feel useful, and valued. Asking nothing of them implies that you think they are not capable of doing a job well, which is demeaning.
Encourage them to make decisions, and teach that they must accept responsibility for those decisions.

5. Shield the children from their parental disagreements and resentments.

Stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Rumbles of discontent between parents leave children feeling insecure. It is therefore so important for you and your partner to try to agree on matters related to children and their needs. You can employ strategies such as:

Be able to step back and keep your feelings about your ex-spouse separate from those you have about your children's parent. Many people make lousy husbands or wives, but they are terrific parents.
If you cannot be civil with your ex-spouse, then work out a plan and set up rules so that your child does not have to witness your wrath. Let your children feel with ease rather than going through a gauntlet of your venom for each other.
Get to work on resolving your feelings about your ex-spouse. That means if you can't get over this yourself, get some help. Other people are suffering besides you, and those other people are your children!

Certainly, some children still do best after divorce and separation. All their parents did were employing tested divorce parenting approaches that really work. You can raise healthy, happy and successful children even if you're divorced. Follow the above approaches for your children sake.

By Ruben Francia

2005-08-15T04:04:00.000-07:00

How to Foster a Love of Reading and Writing in Your Child

The key to lifelong learning is reading and writing. When reading and wiring are a regular part of your family’s life, you send your child the message that they are enjoyable, valuable and great ways to learn. Here are some ways you can start helping your child:

Reading

Keep many age appropriate books and other reading materials in your house. If you have the time, schedule weekly or biweekly trips to the library with your child. Take out books for yourself too. Show your child that you value reading and that it is important to you.

Start reading to your child at an early stage.

Make reading daily to your infant or toddler part of your daily routine. It doesn’t have to be for more than 20 minutes a day. Do it at the same time each day, if you can, so that you both become accustomed to it. Have fun reading to your baby. Choose books with vivid colors and point out images and shapes to your baby. Be animated with your voice and facial expressions.

When your child becomes a preschooler, you can start reading for a longer period of time. To help develop your child’s critical thinking skills, encourage your child to ask questions or to predict what will happen next in the story. Be enthusiastic about reading. Read the story with expression. Make it more interesting by talking as the characters would talk, making sound effects and using facial expressions and gestures. Encourage your child to do the same.

As your child’s ability to read develops, let your child pick out a favorite book to read alone. Make time to read the books together. Take turns, with you reading one page or paragraph and your child reading the next. You might also read the parts of different characters in a story. If your child is unsure of the meaning of a word, have your child use the surrounding words or sentences to figure it out. If this doesn’t help, just tell your child what the word means and keep reading. Buy a children’s dictionary—if possible, one that has pictures next to the words. Help your child get into the habit of looking up unfamiliar or difficult words. The American Heritage Picture Dictionary is great for preschool and early elementary school students.

StarFall.com is a great website for learning to read for pre-kindergarten to second grade. All the learning materials are free. http://www.starfall.com/

If you notice that your child is having some difficulties with reading, get some help for your child. The problem can be related to poor vision or your child might help extra help. Find tutoring services in your neighborhood or online to help your child. Identify if your child is having problems with vocabulary or reading comprehension.

You can get a free reading aptitude test for grades 2-10 at Mind Play.com-http://www.test4free.com/assess.asp

The good news is that no matter how long it takes; most children can learn to read. By working together with your child’s teacher and other educational professionals, you can determine if your child has a learning disability or other problem.

As your child gets into middle school and high school, your child will have other distractions and interests. You can continue to help your child by buying books that would be of interest to them.

Guys Read.com provides recommended books for boys and teen guys. http://guysread.com/

Writing

You can encourage even your reluctant child to become a writer. The key id to help your child understand that writing is an important communication tool. Writing also helps your child to organize his or her thoughts more clearly.

Here are some tips for getting your child to write more.

Have your child write stories that are of interest to him or her. If your child is a reluctant writer, ask your child to write about something he or she wishes for or dreams about.

Don’t point out errors in their writing, but guide our child so that he or she can make the corrections. Ask your child to tell you more about the story or ask your child to create a book based on the short writing assignments. The point of this exercise is to help your child express thoughts through writing. If your child’s strength is not writing, do not force your child to become an avid writer. Be enthusiastic about your child’s writing. Ask you r child to read what he or she has written to you. Hang up your child’s writing and encourage other family members to read it.

Have your child write thank you notes to family and friends or write notes to your child or use a message board to leave notes for your child. Encourage him or her to write notes to you too!

When you child is upset or sad, if he or she is up to it, have your child express the feeling through writing.

As your child gets older, you can support his or her writing needs by helping to get thoughts organized and making sure that the writing is intelligible and coherent. Let your child see you writing so that your child understands that writing is important.

Most importantly, make writing fun for your child.

If you want to contribute to your child’s love of learning, you must model the enthusiastic attitude towards learning you would like your child to possess. By showing your child that you value learning and education, your child will develop better feelings towards education.

By Marie Roker

2005-08-15T03:54:00.000-07:00

Entering Their Imaginative World

In dealing with children with autism spectrum disorders, its all about relationship. These children are within a realm where they feel and respond much differently than others. There has been much focus on trying to eliminate certain behaviors or to evoke particular responses in children which actually become rote and repetitive for them without context. One of the goals in aiding these children should be in helping them find meaning. In order to do this we must be willing to not look at the child as broken, unable to respond, or even unable to communicate. These children DO communicate, however they are not always able to manipulate their senses to communicate in the typical ways of other children. As a result, they can become easily frustrated and trapped. The therapist must enter their imaginative world and learn to communicate in their language.

Dr. Stanley Greenspan gives an example of a child who initially went to a psychologist who engaged the child in repetitively placing pegs in a board or trying to find beads hidden under various cups. This was supposed to be a measure of the child’s intelligence and abilities but it proved ineffective. The child constantly hurled the pegs to the floor. A different psychologist took a unique approach in having the mother participate with the child in a series of interactions. First, the child began grabbing the nose of the mother. Rather than redirecting the child and seeking to have her refrain from the grabbing, the mother responded with a ‘toot toot’ noise and then allowed her to do it again responding with a new noise. The mother then gently touched the nose of the child and the child to the amazement of the mother smiled and let out a noise, “mo mo”. The child had indeed communicated but in her own language. The mother and child had made a real connection. This showed to the psychologist that this child’s cognitive development was within a normal range and here was a child who wanted to exert some control over her surroundings. Over time, the communication increased, and the mother was able to have ‘pleasurable’ discussions with her child that prior had never existed (Greenspan, The Growth of the Mind, 1997, pg. 8-9)

Children with language difficulties need to have emotional and social supports. Unless these are more fully developed, the language will be fragmented and lack meaning (Greenspan, pg. 32). Before language development can come, improving the understanding of non-literal and non-verbal communications need to be worked upon. There are 6 main milestones for children: self regulation and interest in their surrounding world; intimacy; two way communication; complex communication; emotional ideas; and emotional thinking. In Greenspan’s floor time model the first goal is to encourage attention and intimacy which helps in the further development of the first two milestones. The parent will actively participate in a period of play therapy engaging their child in creative play allowing the child some direction over the course of the session and taking interest in their activities as well as providing encouraging feedback. Self-regulation becomes difficult for some children because sensory stimulation can be so overwhelming or their attention may wander (Greenspan, Essential Partnership, pg. 8). Difficulties in intimacy occur because the child is not able to effectively read the cues being given. Often times the children will have an easier time with adult relationships because adults are more able to adjust their cues to the level of understanding of the child whereas this does not always occur with peers. A part of reaching out to these children and guiding them in the intimacy milestone is to provide them opportunities to interact with peers and to have them be able to relate back what the other person is stating and feeling. Making use of social stories and role plays can be helpful in aiding the child in understanding the feelings of others as well as their own feelings. A social story is a device used where a make believe dialogue is constructed and the child is asked to fill in the gaps. “A social story is a story written to specific guidelines to describe a situation in terms of relevant cues and common responses (Gray & Granard, 1993). The use of comic strip conversations can also be employed. “A comic strip conversation is the genuine ‘art of conversation’. This approach incorporates the use of simple drawings and color to illustrate an ongoing communication. This provides additional support to (children) who struggle to understand the quick exchange of information in a conversation (Gray, 1994). An advanced form of the social story is what is termed the ‘thinking story’. “Thinking stories demonstrate the variety of possibilities as to what people may be thinking when they make certain statements, or when they display certain behaviors…Thinking stories follow a specific, structured format, using picture symbols from Comic Strip Conversations to define and illustrate the abstract concepts covered in the story (Baron-Cohen, 1990, Dawson &Fernald, 1987). The person or therapist using the social story can help guide the child through and the use of feelings charts can also be a beneficial aid. To reach the milestones of two way communication and complex communication, it is important within the sessions that the parents have that they utilize a dialogue with the child, help guide them to use their face, emotions, hands, to convey their needs and desires. Encouraging the child’s imagination and creativity will help in the development of the complex communication as they begin to move towards problem solving. Lastly, it is important to work on logical thought, being able to take the things they have learned from the parent’s coaching and to actually be able to convey some insight and understanding of the world.

In the play therapy sessions, it is important for the parent and/or therapist to actively participate. The purpose should not be to entertain the child, but to interact with the child. Seek to draw near to the child, but this should not be forced, allow the child to express themselves at their particular pace. Use lots of gesturing and cueing and become a part of their imaginative play, allow them to show and teach you something about their world. It is important to not just tolerate their feelings and certainly not be dismissive of them, but allow the child to express their feelings openly being able to distinguish feelings from behavior. Don’t be afraid to challenge the child in new skills, they will be eager to learn as long as the challenge is not forced. From time to time, you will notice that these children will become obsessed with routines or repetition, so in the play do something to break the routine or repetition. If a child is repeating a certain topic or action, do something entirely different that will focus their attention elsewhere. Do not be repetitive in your directives and follow a plan of rote learning, allow the child to explore and display what they do know. It is important to ask open ended questions, let the children explain to you. Find out what these children find meaning in, and seek to have them tell you why. Don’t judge or evaluate their answers, but be a listener. Help the child to brainstorm new ideas, and particularly when conflict arises, let them be able to perform some self assessment, sit as a partner as they develop adaptive responses and utilize them. Don’t be afraid to allow the child to fail from time to time, they will learn and gain insight from their trial and error. When the child is expressing certain thoughts and feelings, help them to be able to label what it is they are expressing (Greenspan, Essential Partnership, pg. 20)

There are key social behaviors as they relate to relationship building that should be addressed with the child who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. The first is entry skills. This refers to how the child joins a group of children and whether or not they seek to include other children into their play. The therapist can help serve as a coach for entry skills and encourage scenarios where the child will have opportunities to exercise the skill (Atwood, 1999) Next is assistance, whether the child recognizes when to seek help from others or to provide help to others. Social stories can certainly be utilized in this situation. An example of a social story as given by Dr. Tony Attwood (1999) that applies to this skill is as follows: Sometimes children help me. They do this to be friendly. Yesterday, I missed three math problems. Amy put her arm around me and said, “Okay, Juanita” She was trying to help me feel better. On my first day of school, Billy showed me my desk. That was helpful. Children have helped me in other ways. Here is my list: I will try to say, Thank you! when children help me. Another example of a social story is: My name is Juanita. Sometimes, children help me. Being helpful is a friendly thing to do. Many children like to be helped. I can learn to help other children. Sometimes, children will ask for help. Someone may ask, ‘Do you what day it is today?’ or ‘Which page are we on?’ or maybe something else. Answering that question is helpful. If I know the answer, I can answer their question. If I do not know the answer, I may try to help that child find the answer. Sometimes, a child will move and look all around, either under their desk, in their desk, around their desk. They may be looking for something. I may help. I may say, “Can I help you find something?” There are other ways I can help. This is my list of ways I can help other children: Children like to be helpful (Atwood, 1999). For younger children the use of the Mr. Men stories (such as Mr. Nosy, Mr. Grumpy) by Roger Hargreaves can prove useful.

The other skills which need development include receiving and accepting compliments, accepting and receiving criticism, accepting suggestions, reciprocity and sharing, conflict resolution, monitoring and listening, empathy, and learning to ending meaning how to provide closure to an interaction. For conflict resolution skills I recommend the use of Weeks’s 8 fold model. In this model one first provides and effective atmosphere for the discussion and resolution of the conflict, clarify perceptions, focus on needs, build shared positive power, look to the future and learn from the past, generate options, develop doables, and make mutual benefit agreements (Weeks, 1992). The child diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome will need particular coaching and support in going through these steps.

Within the education system is a great misunderstanding of Asperger’s Syndrome. These children cannot be placed in an autism classroom as they are too high functioning. These children can be challenging and some teachers and school administrators are afraid of taking the necessary steps to insure these children’s success. Partial hospitalization becomes an easy out for the school districts. Teachers need to be able to build a relationship with the child and recognize their strengths, being respectful of the child’s personal space and boundaries and always speaking to the child in a calm and collected manner. “Teachers need to have a calm disposition, be predictable in their emotional reactions, flexible with their curriculum, and see the positive side of the child (Atwood, pg. 173) Some teachers see that these children will rock in their seats or move their hands or feet and look at these children as being disruptive in the class. The rocking behavior is a way that the child ‘grounds’ themselves, it is comforting for them, and is not a behavior to condemn the child for nor one that can or should be eradicated. If it appears to be a disruption, the teacher can provide a place for the child to be able to have a break until they feel they are more calm. School administration must understand that for the Asperger’s child that sensory stimuli can be very frustrating, and sometimes these children may need brief periods away from school that allow them to regain some emotional stability. Such absences should be written as allowable in the IEP and should not be treated as truancy situations. The size of the classroom is paramount for these children. “Open plan and noisy classrooms are best avoided. The children respond well to a quiet, well-ordered class with an atmosphere of encouragement rather than criticism. Parents find that with some teachers the child thrives, while with others the year was a disaster for both parties. If the teacher and child are compatible, then this will be reflected in the attitude of other children in the class. If the teacher is supportive then the other children will amplify this approach. If they are critical and would prefer the child were excluded, other children will adopt and express this attitude (Atwood, pg. 174). Once a child is in an appropriate environment with the necessary resources, this environment should be maintained. “Once parents have located a school that provides the necessary resources, then it is important to maintain consistency. Going to a new school means changing friends and the school not being aware of the child’s abilities and history of successful and unsuccessful strategies.” Children with Asperger’s syndrome may display an unsual gait and difficulties with motor skills and coordination. They may also have difficulty with sensory stimuli so it is important for the therapist to take note of distressing stimuli and help to limit these things within their environment as much as possible. Activities designed to work on motor skills and coordination can prove beneficial but consideration should be taken as to not force a child or cause undue frustration if the child’s abilities are impaired. Emotional coaching can prove effective for parents of the child with Asperger’s syndrome. Emotional coaching involves seeking to see the expression of emotions as a time for intimacy and teaching, providing validation to the child’s emotions, and helping the child to be able to label their emotions. The parent who is an emotion coach values the child’s negative emotions as opportunities for intimacy; can be patient with the child when they are sad, angry or fearful; can identify triggers; does not tell the child how to feel; does not expect to have all the answers (Gottman, 1999). There has been some discussion of a link between gastrointestinal disorders and children with autism spectrum disorders (Wakefield, 1997) Some children with autism spectrum disorders may exhibit encopresis. The child should be regularly seen by a physician if any problem arises. The child should not be punished for occasions of encopresis or be made to feel embarrassed. As pediatric neurologist Fred A. Baughman has stated, autism is a blanket term as is cerebral palsy identifying a developmental condition rather than a psychiatric issue. While those considered within the autism spectrum may display similar traits, there are diverse etiologies (Baughman, 2001). Some children with traumatic brain injury or epilepsy may display autistic traits. However, there can also be psychosocial reasons for the development of autistic traits. The term itself is very loosely used and at present the exact etiology is not fully known. I tend to look at autism as a variation in perception, yet a normal variation. These children are not defective. As individuals may be left handed or right handed, this is a variation, but does not state that a left handed individual who is in the minority is somehow defective or 'abnormal'. Rather, because children with autism have a variance in their perception, this causes them to come into conflict with the general functoning and perceptions of society as a whole. They have unique strengths but may need dome extra assistance in being able to navigate through what the rest of society typically perceives and how it interacts.

There are no medications that will cure autism and Asperger’s syndrome. Some individuals have used various medications in an attempt to control behaviors, however it must be realized that this is all that the medications are capable of doing is controlling a certain aspect of behavior by blunting certain brain functions. These medications all have serious risks. “Neuroleptics have their main impact by blunting the highest functions of the brain in the frontal lobes and the closely connected basal ganglia. They can also impair the reticular activating or energizing system of the brain. These impairments result in relative degrees of apathy, indifference, emotional blandness, conformity, and submissiveness, as well as a reduction in all verbalizations, including complaints or protests. It is no exaggeration to call this effect a chemical lobotomy…contrary to claims, neuroleptics have no specific effects on irrational ideas (delusions) or perceptions (hallucinations)." (Breggin, 1999) These medications also carry the risk of causing tardive dyskinesia or neuroleptic malignant syndrome. Tardive dyskinesia is permanent abnormal movements of the voluntary muscles. “NMS is characterized by severe abnormal movements, fever, sweating, unstable blood pressure and pulse, and impaired mental functioning. Delirium and coma can develop. NMS can be fatal…(Breggin, 1999) Common side effects of neuroleptic medications as reported by the Physicians Desk Reference are abdominal pain, abnormal walk, agitation, aggression, anxiety, chest pain, constipation, coughing, decreased activity, diarrhea, dizziness, fever, headache, inability to sleep, increased dreaming, indigestion, involuntary movements, joint pain, lack of coordination, nasal inflammation, nausea, overactivity, rapid heartbeat, rash, reduced salivation, respiratory infection, sore throat, tremor, vomiting. The SSRI antidepressants’ are also a common prescribed medication. These drugs can produce akathisia, mania, worsening of depression, obsessive compulsive like behaviors, and severe anxiety and agitation (International Center for the Study of Psychiatry and Psychology Newsletter, Summer 2002, pg. 15) The use of responsible psychosocial and relationship based approaches are far better than any short term benefit that neuroleptics may provide.

Scenarios to reflect upon- Evaluate each choice, what seems most appropriate? Joe is in class and his teacher is explaining a math assignment, Joe sits in his chair rocking back and forth incessantly. The teacher finds this disruptive.

The TSS intervenes by: A.verbally redirecting Joe to sit still and pay attention to what the teacher is saying

B.find a place within the room where Joe will not be a distraction to the teacher, allow him to rock if necessary, ask Joe to explain to you what instructions the teacher gave and insure his comprehension.

C.Place Joe in a time out until he agrees to stop rocking

Margaret has a particular interest in rock music and can give detailed descriptions of bands, songs, etc. Margaret is having an important conversation with her mother, but Margaret keeps getting side tracked wanting to talk about rock music. The TSS intervenes by: A. telling Margaret that later in the day they can listen to rock music together and discuss but presently she needs to listen to what her mother is stating

B.give Margaret a time out for not listening to her mother

C. allow Margaret to continue discussing rock music and have her mother continue the conversation later

John is changing classrooms which often can be frustrating for him. There is a lot of noise and distraction in the hall and someone accidentally bumps John in the hall. John becomes aggressive and begins pounding the lockers and cursing. He lunges at a boy who comes near him. The TSS intervenes by:

A.grabbing John’s arms and instructing him verbally that he needs to stop

B. retaining some distance from John, dialogue with him about what is frustrating him, ask him if you can accompany him to a quiet place to sit, offer him a drink, proceed to the classroom once hall is clear and John is more calm.

C. Tell John he will be sent to principal’s office if he continues to be disruptive. Lead him to classroom

D. Allow John to continue to pound on lockers until he de-escalates himself

Eric goes to a store and sees a man buying a toy. Eric gets very close to the man and loudly exclaims, “What are you doing? Who are you buying that for?” The man appears startled and walks away. Eric appears hurt that the man would not respond to him. The TSS intervenes by:

A. explaining to Eric that his interaction was inappropriate and he needs to have proper boundaries.

B. Explaining that the man probably misunderstood Eric and not to feel bad, and coach Eric on how he could interact better in social situations Tell the man that Eric has Asperger’s syndrome and that he hurt Eric’s feelings.

Valanti is frustrated and rather than speaking he clinches his fists, turns red, and begins stomping his feet. The TSS intervenes by:

A. giving Valanti a time out

B. take Valanti aside, allow him to vent, and discuss the feelings and why they were there, using a feelings chart if necessary.

C.Explain to Valanti that his outburst is inappropriate and he will receive a consequence.

SAMPLE FLOOR TIME SESSION (adapted from information provided by Dr. Stanley Greenspan, MD and Dr. Serena Wieder PhD

Preparation: 1 to 5 minutes

*What is your child’s mood and energy level? *What is your mood and energy level? *Remind yourself of your child’s sensory preferences to help him find his sensory “comfort zone” during your floor time session. *Is she more attentive to high or low pitched noises? *What kinds of textures does he like to touch and be touched by? *What kind of visual experiences attract her? *What kind of movement is stimulating, soothing? *What kinds of oral-motor activity organize his behavior? *What is the child doing? * How can I join in?

Interaction: 20 to 25 minutes

*Position yourself in front of your child.

*Use gestures, tone of voice, and body language to accentuate the emotion in what you say and do. Be animated.

*Talk less. Find ways to play that don't require words.

*When you do talk during play sessions, use language that is at your child's developmental level. If your child speaks in 2-3 word utterances, limit your own speech to 3-4 word utterances.

* Do less. To avoid overwhelming the child or dominating the activity, do only as much as the child is doing.

* Imitate the child’s actions.

* Follow the child’s lead regarding the “topic” for play. You can choose the topic at other times, but during floor time, let the child choose.

Fostering attention, engagement, intimacy

Follow the child’s lead and join him. It does not matter what you do together as long as he initiates the move.

Treat everything your child does as intentional and purposeful. Attach meaning to (seemingly) meaningless behavior.

Join in perseverative play.

Do not interrupt or change the subject as long as child is interacting

Pursue pleasure over other behaviors; do not interrupt any pleasurable experience.

Creating and sustaining interaction in the face of avoidance Do not treat avoidance or “no” as rejection; persist in your pursuit. Insist on a response—ANY response (not just the one you are hoping for). Play dumb or make the wrong move to provoke or sustain an interaction. Playfully interfere with what the child is doing. Block escape routes, and turn the child’s escape efforts into an interaction.

ENTERING THEIR IMAGINATIVE WORLD- INTIMATE DEVELOPMENTAL INSTRUCTION

As I begin therapy with children diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders, I initially focus with the parents on the strengths of their child while also obtaining information on their current level of functioning. I see the therapeutic effort as needing to be collaborative and strength based to be successful. I encourage the parents to also become involved in one on one interaction, being coaches to their child, as we travel the path to enhancement and progression in developmental milestones. I suggest to the parents that they spend at least two 30 minute periods each week in one on one interaction such as Greenspan's floor time or a modification thereof. I soon begin to get to know the child (for those who are non-verbal, I will interact directly with them and allow them to take the lead and show me who they are and where their interests lie.) For others I begin to dialogue directly. I seek to identify areas that cause them distress such as transitions and what things may be triggers. From this, the future of sessions lies much in relationship building and in modeling and cueing as well as implementing some of the interventions as listed above to aid the child to develop a greater level of functonining all the while reassuring them the family that their child is not defective but has a unique method of perception that should be appreciated and that delays in development does not imply a complete halt to development.

Try to be as accepting of the child’s anger and protests as you are of positive emotions. Remember that anger is often accompanied by eye contact, physical contact, and purposeful interaction—the very behaviors you are trying to foster.

By Dan Edmunds

2005-08-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

Assertiveness: Key to Better Parenting

I have always been aware of my number one weakness: non-assertiveness. But I have come a long way from the time when I couldn't say 'no' to a child molester and not understanding the importance of telling my parents.

At my first job after high school, I had the misfortune of working for someone who told me that I could have it all but with no questions asked. He said so clearly that there were women who slept their way up and I could do the same. He then started to hold me tightly and was already groping all over. I was too stunned to move in the beginning but I did try to push him away. Luckily for me, a security guard walked into the office.

Some guardian angels must be looking out for me. On both incidents, I could have been a statistic. I didn't have the courage to tell anyone but I made a promise to myself that if I should ever climb the corporate ladder, I would do it with my brains.

Unfortunately, my parents didn't have the extra money to put me through four years of university. I worked as a tutor to three kids throughout my tertiary years and with a scholarship loan, I managed to finish my degree in journalism with a second class upper.

I took on the first job that came my way: as a seminar organizer. Again the same old pattern emerged. For six months my boss didn't contribute to my retirement account. I was not aware that it was unlawful. Then she made me answer calls from all the speakers I had invited to give seminars for payments due to them. She had purposely delayed paying them for reasons only known to her. I couldn't see a good future with her, so I quit.

Many of my course mates had joined the newspaper and there was an opening for a cub reporter. I got in and was learning the ropes pretty well at the news desk. Six months later, I was transferred to the features desk.

It was all rosy in the first year and because I was getting familiarized with the work and all, I gladly took on anything that came my way. Not such a smart move really. Whenever my editor asked for a volunteer for some uninteresting articles, no one would do it. And because I had set the pattern for being the obliging one, or rather the one who couldn't say 'no' most of the time, I had to do the assignments. I had never asked for extension of deadlines and I was also the "secretary" who took phone messages for the others. When the time came for assessment and salary increments, I was not the favoured staff. After two agonizing weeks, I finally plucked up enough courage to speak to my editor about it. She merely said: "I was happy with your work. All I did was to recommend (the increments) but really, it was up to the management to decide!"

Would you stay on with a leader who wouldn't stick up for you? I asked for a transfer to the business desk where its editor was a known task master but fair and just.

Six years later, I found myself in a greater challenge. My five-year old daughter was a victim of a class bully at her kindergarten. From the many books on bullying that I read about, I had gathered that so long as the victims were not coached to be assertive and helped to build their self-esteem, the chances of them remaining victims continued into adulthood.

Since then, I have been trying to help my daughter increase her self-esteem. One of the many ways I learnt is to teach a child to love herself. Well, we are still working on her remembering to say: "I love you Mummy. And I love myself too."

I knew repeating this mantra would only help for awhile. One evening driving through a heavy traffic I made up a story to entertain my kids. It was about a six-year old girl named Lulu who would do anything for her friends because she wanted to be liked by them. Lulu didn't like herself much because she didn't think her kind-heartedness amounted much. "Now, if you were Lulu, do you suppose your friends would like you if you didn't like yourself in the first place?" I asked my children.

I was surprised even my two and half year old boy simultaneously replied no with his sister.

The story continued with Lulu being asked to pick some fruits from a tree by her friends. As she was climbing up the tree, fiery red ants bit her all over. But because she feared rejection from the others if she quit, she carried on. When she started to yank a bunch of fruits from a branch, she inadvertently dropped a beehive onto the ground.

The story ended with Lulu being hospitalized for bee stings but she learnt an unforgettable lesson about self-love and being assertive.

Now whenever my daughter needs a reminder about self-love, all I need to mention is Lulu.

By Pat

2005-08-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

Classic Parenting: Encouragement, Praise, Acceptance, and Responsibility

Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and strengths in order to build his/her self-confidence. It comes from seeing the positive. Even failures can be outstanding learning experiences. Encouragement sounds like this, "I like the way that you did that," or "I know that you can do it," or, "It looks like you worked very hard at that."

Encouragement is NOT giving compliments for work poorly done, but under those circumstances it IS inspiring your child to work harder and do better. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." -St. Paul (Eph. 4:29)

Ultimately self-confidence comes from having accomplished things worth being proud of. Reserve praise for things well done. Where encouragement is given for effort, praise is given for accomplishment. Just say, "That's a good start, keep at it," when the work is not yet worthy of praise.

Accept your child for who he or she is. If you expected that your baby would grow into an Olympic athlete with an IQ of 148, and instead he or she is "average" then you might be very disappointed as a parent (most children are "average," which is why they call it "average."). Disappointment is often turned into anger, or at least frustration. If your child cannot live up to your expectations and dreams for him or her (and why should they?) then please be careful of your emotions. If you are not careful, your own dreams and expectations for your child will become a wedge between you and your child. Please don't make your love, encouragement, or acceptance, dependent on their performance or behavior.

Teach Responsibility to your children. Let them try things and let them fail once in a while. Don't keep bailing them out. Victory only tastes sweet if we taste the bitterness of failure once in a while. Trust me, the dog's not going to starve if he misses a meal or two. The newspaper won't come to run a story on your family if your child fails to make his bed once in a while. Just use these occasions to remind your child that if his or her dog is going to ever eat again, he needs to get out there and feed it (assuming that's your child's job), and that he or she is an important member of your home and that he needs to be responsible with doing his chores.

Make the consequences for not being responsible fit the crime. And of course be sure to reward/praise your child when he/she does act responsibly. Behavior that is rewarded tends to reoccur, and behavior that is ignored tends to go away -- so always reward and praise responsible behaviors.
By Douglas Cowan, Psy.D.

2005-08-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

Mom vs. Dad: Navigating Parenting Differences With All Good Intentions

Let’s face it: raising children can be quite the adventure. Rewarding at one turn, challenging at the next – it’s the ultimate roller-coaster for the parenting thrill seeker. In the Game of Life, you rolled the dice and accepted the role of co-parent. While the rules seem deceptively simple, (raise child into healthy adult), the game is often complicated by differences in parenting styles between partners. It’s these differences, if unresolved, that can abandon you in the land of defeat and leave you feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, with “game over” flashing on your internal video screen.

Bridging a significant difference in parenting styles is one of the most difficult aspects of building a family. Parenting is the substantial task of balancing your beliefs and values (about child development, love, tradition and discipline) with your childhood experiences, in order to nurture healthy and secure children. Add a co-parent to the equation – with their own beliefs, values and experiences - and suddenly, the balancing act becomes more complex.

Let's pretend: It’s the weekend. The sun is shining and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. You and your parent partner decide to take your young son, Joey, for a relaxing Sunday picnic in the park. Your partner loads the picnic basket with bottles of water, healthy ham and cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread (no crust for little Joey), and slices up a watermelon for a refreshing treat after a few games of touch football. You hop on your bikes and peddle to the park, laughing all the way as you and Joey play follow the leader and he tries to copy your “pop-a-wheelies” with varying degrees of success, your partner watching warily from behind.

Finally, the park in sight, you all race to be the first one there, Joey pedaling as fast as his little legs will let him. You and your partner are on his tail until the last moment when you both ease off to allow Joey the victory.

Elated and winded, Joey hops off his bike and requests a ride on the swings. You turn to your partner and say, "I'll take him. Relax. Enjoy your lunch." Joey takes your hand and you toddle off to the swings. He climbs aboard, ready for the dizzying heights and squeals as each push sends him higher and higher.

Seconds later, your anxious parent partner is at your side, saying “Don't push him so high! He looks motion sick. Joey hold tight!" The comments sting, prompting feelings of anger that your partner would think you are not being safe with your child, resentment and even inadequacy. To add insult to the injury, little Joey immediately picks up your partner’s hesitation, looks confused and timid, and loudly announces “Daddy, stop!” You quickly catch him and ease his swing into a stop position and watch with mixed emotions as Joey leaps off and runs into your partner’s arms, whimpering as he’s led back to the picnic area.

You slink back to join them, angry, hurt and frustrated, and eat your lunch in silence. Lunch over; you all wearily climb onto your bikes for the seemingly endless ride home.

How did our happy day go wrong? What, if anything, should be done about it? Do you simply hope and pray for the arrival of Monday morning and the refuge of the work routine? No! It’s essential to communicate with your partner.

Plan a Response

Often, our first reaction when faced with a difference in styles is, "That's not what I would do." Conflicts bubble to the surface when one or both partners operate with “my way is the right way” mentality. Discussing and resolving a conflict is the only way to minimize the negative impact differing parenting styles can have on the family. An unresolved conflict in parenting styles is one of leading causes of partner breakups.

Relying on some of the following may minimize your distress as you plan a response:

Communication: Take time to discuss each other's parenting styles and values. Work on listening to your partner as carefully as you would like them to listen to you.

Awareness (self and others, especially your child): Be aware if your own childhood is influencing how you are reacting to your child or your co-parent, and assess if your reaction is a fit for today's situation. Ask yourself: Why did you react that way? Why did they?

Ownership (your actions/non-actions): Don’t play the blame game. Examine what role your actions or non-actions played in the conflict.

Control (who has it; who needs it): Understand each other's needs for this vital resource. Strive to be more flexible and to not have to always be in control. Never undermine your partner or your partner's parenting in front of your children.

Resolution (bring issues to closure): Unresolved issues are a sure course to dissolution. Don't put off dealing with the important conflicts.

Keep in mind: Despite your differences, you both want what’s best for the children. This wasn't the first conflict and it probably won't be the last. The next time you and your spouse lock horns over a parenting matter, remember to relax, be compassionate, and know that your kids need you both.
By Dr. Charles Sophy

2005-08-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

Positive Parenting - Oops! I Really Lost My Temper With My Kids, What Now?

Ever blown your top to your children, only to regret it ten minutes later?

Silly question, it happens to us all no matter how well-behaved our kids or placid and patient we are. At times the general strains and stresses of life wear us down so our emotional responses don’t match children’s behaviours. Or rather, their less than perfect behaviour doesn’t warrant the ‘screaming banshee’ response that you have provided.

So what do you do if you have blown your top and given your children an absolute verbal blast with steam coming out of both your ears?

First, check that your rare outburst of anger is just that – rare. If you are always angry or over-reacting then this is a fair sign that all is not right with you. I don’t want to state the bleeding obvious, but constant sudden outbursts of anger are a sign that all is not right with the world. It may mean taking a break, getting some additional help with your kids or even getting some professional counselling to sort out internal or relationship issues.

If your outburst is rare rather than pathological then the best response is to show your children that your are human and apologise. Put a little time between your outburst and your apology and consider giving an explanation. “Sorry about yelling at you guys. I have been working so hard lately. I guess I need a break.”

No need to grovel, just reveal your human side to your family. Your children will take their cues from you and will more than likely talk on an emotional level if they see you go to the same space. Revealing your vulnerability gives children permission to reveal theirs.

It is a good anger management practice to check your own anger levels from time to time. When you know you are under stress and feel yourself about to blow your top- take a break, phone someone up (and vent your spleen, if possible), or just to count to 20 (or 100) before you blow your stack unnecessarily to your kids.

There is a place for parent anger in the discipline process – as long as it is controlled. There are the times when children really need to know they have crossed a line and your whole voice and attitude needs to convey that a behaviour is unacceptable. Most parents will know the type of response I am referring to. The voice goes steely and the words come out purposefully. Eye contact is strong and body language is direct. The kids aren’t frightened. They just know that that their mum or dad mean what they say! Gulp! It is the type of response that should be saved for times when children put each other down unmercilessly, or when they show gross disrespect to themselves, others or their environment.

We all want to steer clear from angry responses when we interact with those we love. But being human means that our behaviour doesn’t always reach the lofty heights that we would like, and at times we lose our cool. So recognise the signs of pending anger and take steps to manage it, and if you do lose the plot, reveal your vulnerability and apologise. Nothing wrong with that!
By Michael Grose

2005-08-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

Parenting Styles - Overcoming Your Differences

If you spend any time in the parenting section of the library or your local bookstore, you will find hundreds of books on disciplining and raising your children. All the leading experts have their own ideas about what works and what doesn’t. As a parent, you have your philosophy that you bring to the table. Most of your thoughts come from what you learned as a child. You either liked the way your parents raised you, agreed with some of it and disagreed with the rest, or didn’t like any part of your parents’ ideas. Then you talk to or watch other mothers you know and these ideas get added to the mix. You take the best from all these sources and you set off to be the best mom you can be.

And then something happens that interrupts your plan for raising your children. Dad has a whole other set of ideas and plans for raising his children. Most of the time, dad’s ideas have not come from the many books on parenting he reads or the oodles of fathers he brainstorms with. His ideas, too, come from the way in which he was raised as a boy, but sometimes Dad operates on auto pilot when raising and disciplining his kids. Even the best and most agreeable parents sometimes disagree. So what do you do when your two philosophies clash?

1. Talk it out when the children are not around. You’re in the middle of dinner, and the children are refusing to eat. They are crabby and testing your every nerve. Dad can see that you are stressed so he decides to take matters into his own hands. He yells with his loud, booming voice, “Eat your food right now or you will go straight to bed.” The kids start crying. You are even angrier now because you can’t stand yelling. You feel it is an ineffective way to discipline the children, and you believe it scares them. Wait until the children go to bed and have a talk with your husband. Explain to him exactly how you feel about yelling. Listen to his side of the story and why he chose to do what he did. Do your very best to understand him and acknowledge his feelings. Then decide together what would work better for everyone in the future.

2. Decide how important an issue is to you. My friend’s husband takes his little girl to swimming lessons every Saturday morning. After swimming, the little girl is starving. Dad’s way of ending their fun time together in the pool is to let his daughter pick something to eat from the vending machine. My friend does not want her daughter associating fun time with Dad and junk food. She believes they should come home so her daughter can eat something healthy. Sometimes each parent needs to decide how important an issue really is to them. If Dad rates his need to buy his daughter a junk food treat after swimming at an 8, and Mom rates her need for her daughter to eat healthy at a 6, then Dad wins. You learn to give in on issues that aren’t extremely important to you.

3. Understand that differences can be good. Believe it or not, children can benefit from differences in our parenting styles. As long as children are being loved and treated with respect and fairness, it can be good for children to learn to adapt to different childrearing approaches. No two people in this world are exactly alike. Some parents are very flexible and some are quite structured. Some parents are playful and others are more serious. There are quiet and mild-mannered parents and loud and boisterous parents as well. Step back and appreciate your differences. Children who are exposed to diversity have a tendency to be better rounded and adaptable.

4. Combine your viewpoints and get on the same page. The single most important thing you can do for your children and for your marriage is to get on the same page when raising and disciplining your children. Being on the same page does not mean you necessarily agree on everything. It means you support one another as parents. If Mom says there are no privileges until homework is done, the rules are the same with Dad. If Dad says curfew is at 11:30 PM, then Mom enforces this curfew. Take the time to work through your differences and put together a plan that both of you can be happy with. Decide what the house rules are going to be and how the children will be disciplined when the rules are broken. Then stick together and provide a united front for the benefit of your children.
By Lori Radun

2005-08-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

Give Your Child the Gift of Self-Esteem

Much has been said about the "gifted child" but in truth every child is born with unlimited potential. As expressed so well by Orison Marden:
"Deep within man dwell those slumbering powers; powers that would astonish him, that he never dreamed of possessing; forces that would revolutionize hisMu life if aroused and put into action."
This statement can be true for your child. Not just if he's a "gifted child" but any child. Indeed, perhaps we should consider a "gifted child" to be a child whose parents have gifted him with a high self-esteem.
Children with high self-esteem are happier and more successful. Low self-esteem is common in children who are performing badly at school, have behavioural problems and suffer from depression.
The Newborn
The "helpless" newborn baby actually comes into the world well equipped with the power to get what she wants. Not only do her cries bring her parents running to tend to her; she also uses her body and facial language to get what she wants. It's no coincidence that babies learn to smile while they are still very small - it is an essential tool in their armoury of communication. A baby with a disarming smile can frequently wrap mommy or daddy round her little finger!
At this early stage, it's important to respond to all your baby attempts at communication. Attend to her when she cries (this does not preclude training her gently into a stable routine), mirror her attempts at facial communication and reward the infant sounds she makes by praising her and talking back to her.
The "Can-Do" Toddler
Toddlers are into everything! They are learning so fast about the world around them and want to explore everything, touch everything and even try to eat many things.
It is such a crucial stage and one that is stifled by many parents. Yes, you need to control your child's behavior so that he doesn't hurt himself or damage valuable property. But you also need to give him opportunities to express this exploratory behavior without constant criticism and telling-offs.
Put valuables out of reach and supply your child with toys or household items that he can play with safely. Try to find time to get down on the floor and play with your toddler. Let him watch you and imitate you. He could play on the kitchen floor with some pots and wooden spoons while you are cooking.
Discipline
I want to emphasize up front that I believe discipline is very important, because I don't want you to think in any of what follows that I'm advocating spoiling your child. Some parents call this "allowing the child to enjoy the freedom of youth." These parents are entitled, of course, to raise their children however they wish.
But if you want your child to grow into a successful adult, you would do better by teaching her firmly what is and isn't acceptable in present day society. And, just as importantly, helping her to learn self-discipline and that you will support her in achieving anything she wants, as long as she does so ethically.
Discipline should be sensitive, thoughtful and appropriate. You should strive to never lose your temper but to discipline your child calmly and firmly. When is discipline appropriate? When your child's actions (or lack of them) may harm herself or others. When is discipline not appropriate? When it is purely for the parent's own selfish preferences.
Talk to Your Child
Positive talk with your child and generally within the household cannot be over-emphasized. Avoid criticism wherever possible; it is praise that produces good, successful behavior. Be sure to find at least one thing to praise in your child every day. Even better, give praise as often as possible.
Are you having problems finding good behaviors to praise? If so, give your child a task to do that you know he is capable of. Children love earning their parents' approval. Also remember to praise your child for trying, on those occasions that he is not successful.
Set a good example; talk about your goals and successes, and teach your child by example to accept compliments gracefully. Resist the temptation to put yourself down when you are complimented - instead, say a simple Thank You. That's an important sign of a healthy self-esteem.
The other side of the coin to talking is, of course, listening. It is very important to listen to your child. When there is something he is upset about, don't sweep it under the carpet by saying "Don't be silly!" Whatever it is might seem totally trivial to you but often all your child needs is for you to empathise. "I'm sorry you feel sad about that." He may then come up with a solution, or put the incident behind him without further help. Or, you can suggest a solution.
The Power of Desire
You can give your child the best possible schooling, teach all the important techniques of success, encourage goal setting and set a fantastic example. But that is not enough! All these good things have one vitally important pre-requisite. Before you can achieve anything, you must know what you really, really want.
A burning desire is the first, most important and essential step towards any major achievement. As a parent, you are in a unique position to influence another person's desires - your child's. By the time they reach their teens, you will have lost this influence to a significant degree, as young adults are swayed much more by their peers' opinions than their parents'.
So make the most of the early years by instilling positive, beneficial desires in your children. The desire to do well academically could shape your child's further education and career much more than her innate ability.
How can you instil desire? Telling stories is a great way. Children love stories! Be creative and tell stories where the hero or heroine has a burning desire for something, overcomes challenges and set backs, and achieves the desired outcome. Try telling stories where a child achieves academic success, which in turn results in something even more desirable. For instance, one story could tell of a child who has a burning desire to travel to the North Pole. She succeeds academically and thus wins an award, which makes her dream come true. Tailor the stories to your own child's life and experiences as much as you can.
The famous author Napoleon Hill used story-telling to instil in his almost-deaf son both a burning desire to hear, and a firm belief that his disability would actually bestow upon him a great advantage (although at the time even his father had no idea what that advantage could be). By the time this boy left college, he had against the odds acquired a hearing aid that enabled him to hear clearly for the first time in his life. More remarkably, he had justified his father's belief by securing a marketing position with the hearing aid manufacturer to bring the same benefit to millions of other deafened people.
"Gifted child"? Give your child the gift of self-esteem, and you will give him the gift of happiness.

By Cassie Simons

2005-08-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

Committed Parenting

When you think about it, probably the one thing that our children need most in order to grow up feeling loved, happy, and empowered enough to give of themselves to others is our commitment to them as parents. Our children must know that we have made a commitment to them and we must demonstrate that commitment constantly. When we decide to have a child we take on this commitment. It is the biggest commitment we will ever make. When one of our children is diagnosed with diabetes the commitment, significant enough to begin with, takes on a completely new and demanding aspect. We as parents are responsible for and to our children. We tie ourselves to them, sometimes at considerable cost to ourselves. We are required many times to put our children’s needs before our own.

When we show our commitment to our children they feel we value, love and welcome them in our lives. When we don’t they feel neglected, abandoned and alone. Think about how loneliness and abandonment affects you as an adult. One of our missions in life should be to never allow our actions to be the reason our precious children ever experience these feelings.

We can demonstrate our commitment to our children in various ways. When we are there to ask our children about school or their day. When we are willing to see things from their point of view. When we oversee and support their daily diabetes management. When we make sure they are clothed and fed properly. When we add privileges as they show us responsibility. When we show them respect and love.

Our children may perceive we are not committed to them for various reasons as well. When we aren’t home much to be with them. When we are home but don’t appear interested enough to play or talk to them. Separation or divorce, our children don’t understand the intricacies of an adult relationship until they grow up. They often feel their parents didn’t try hard enough to stay together. When one parent finds a new partner, children may see the transfer of some commitment to the new relationship. This can also cause our children feelings of vulnerability.

If our children feel any reason to doubt our commitment to them they may feel very vulnerable and find it hard to trust or commit themselves to other relationships, as they grow older. To be able to commit yourself to someone you must be willing to give and to lose something of yourself in the process, knowing that you will gain from the other person in the end. If our children haven’t experienced our commitment they will defend themselves against more rejection. This will make it very hard for them to give of themselves in the future.

Our greatest fear should be that children who have not grown up in the love and security of committed parents, who haven’t developed the ability to give of themselves and share love with others, will one day have children of their own.

Then the cycle will continue, and another child will be raised without the love, feelings of safety and belonging that committed parenting ensures.

By Russell Turner

2005-08-09T06:39:00.000-07:00

SINGLE PARENTING ISSUES

Parenting as a whole was meant to be a thing of joy and not some thing to problem over.
Over the past 20 years single-parent families have become even more common than the so-called "nuclearfamily" consisting of a mother, father and children. Today we see all sorts of single parent families: headedby mothers, headed by fathers, headed by a grandparent raising their grandchildren.Life in a single parent household - though common - can be quite stressful for the adult and the children.Members may unrealistically expect that the family can function like a two-parent family, and may feel thatsomething is wrong when it can not. The single parent may feel overwhelmed by the responsibility ofjuggling caring for the children, maintaining a job and keeping up with the bills and household chores. Andtypically, the family's finances and resources are drastically reduced following the parents' breakup.Single parent families deal with many other pressures and potential problem areas that the nuclear familydoes not have to face. Some of these are:
- Visitation and custody problems;
- The effects of continuing conflict between the parents;
- Less opportunity for parents and children to spend time together;
- Effects of the breakup on children's school performance and peer relations;
- Disruptions of extended family relationships;
- Problems caused by the parents' dating and entering new relationships.
The single parent can help family members face these difficulties by talking with each other about theirfeelings and working together to tackle problems. Support from friends, other family members and thechurch or synagogue can help too. But if family members are still overwhelmed and having problems, it maybe time to consult an expert. The issues mentioned above require serious attention, and that is why this writeup is geared to provide valid information facing single parents.
BY C. UGBOMEH

2005-08-08T04:06:00.000-07:00

Responsible Fatherhood - A Unique And Irreplaceable Role!

Something happened the other day that made me feel uneasy. Yet I shouldn't have felt that way!

My wife had left for work and I was hanging the washing out to dry. A neighbour from down the way was in his backyard doing the same. 'Good day for drying', he called. 'Let's hope the rain stays away.'

I had to think about what made me uneasy. Then it hit me. Two men hanging out the washing!

When I was a kid that would never have happened. That was women's work, after all!

And that made me think about the changing role of men and fatherhood.

Change is seldom easy, hence the deeply buried sense of unease - even in someone like me who considers himself an enlightened individual!

The image of fatherhood has changed very much in recent years, hasn't it?

We've come a long way from the distant, unemotional, patriarch figure. The god-like master who provided for his family, but didn't expect to be troubled by family issues!

After World War II there was a definite shift. Men became much more involved in the play and leisure areas of family life.

Maybe this was due to the separation caused by the war and consequent feelings of vulnerability. But men still didn't get involved in household chores!

Today we see a much more enlightened image of the male as a co-parent, getting involved in all aspects of family life and pulling his weight in the home.

Or do we? . . .

Are we really there yet? Some men are moving in the right direction. Others need a gentle push!

Perhaps they need encouragement more than anything.

Young boys tend to see their dads as role models and often absorb, even unconsciously, their dads attitudes and habits. So if some of today's dads haven't witnessed and experienced the input of an involved father, the role may not come easily to them.

And yet a dad's involvement in family life has so much benefit both for the children, the mother and the dad himself.

By pulling their weight with the household chores Dads give a good example to their kids AND they help ease the burden on an all too often over-burdened Mum.

By getting involved in play and educational activities Dads can help build that vital relationship on which confidence depends - their own confidence as parents and the confidence of their kids:

to explore and discover their talents and abilities
to learn the boundaries within which they must operate
to absorb the values of the person in charge of them.

So much to be gained, for all parties involved!

So if Dad is a rather reluctant participant in family matters, remember that as well as a firm push he may need lots of encouragement.

After all, the role may not come easily since hundreds of years on non-involvement are in his genes.

Let's all look forward to the day when hanging up the laundry is no big deal for a Dad!

Happy parenting.

By Frank McGinty

2005-08-08T03:47:00.000-07:00

Poker Parenting: 4 Ways Poker Skills Produce Parenting Thrills

Even as a busy parent, I’m sure you’ve seen a poker show on TV or at least heard your friends or relatives talking about it. You might even be someone who’s caught up in the poker craze of the past two years, riding the wave of a steep learning curve. As an avid poker player and father of two, I realize more each day how my poker skills help me raise my kids. Want to know how? Here are four ways to turn your poker skills into parenting thrills:

Play the Hand You’re Dealt
No Limit Texas Hold Em is exciting to play because any hand can win. And that’s what separates a professional from an amateur -- the ability to win pots with bad hands.

The same is true for fatherhood. The “hand we’re dealt” is the family environment we grew up in. Let’s face it –- none of us grew up in an ideal environment, just as none of us gets dealt a pair of aces every hand. But the beauty of No Limit Texas Hold Em -– and fatherhood -– is that any hand can win; it all depends on how you play it.

Give Action to Get Action
In poker, you should occasionally play hands you wouldn’t normally play, in order to “give action” to other players. Then when you have a good hand and bet, those players are more likely to give the action back to you.

So what kind of action are you giving your kids? Do you play games they like to play, even if they seem silly? Do you regularly attend their school events? Are you there during difficult times? Even if you’re not interested in the activity, your involvement shows genuine interest in your children. They might not understand that message, but they will feel it, and that’s much more important.

Look for Diamonds in the Muck
We’re never quite prepared for the shocks and challenges that life deals us. Our daughter, Ashley, was only two when my wife and I discovered she had diabetes. Our lifestyle changed dramatically as we learned to control this disease.

What can parents do when experiencing a bad beat like this? Look for diamonds in the muck. In other words, look for the positive in a negative experience.

One of the positives of Ashley’s diabetes is learning to be disciplined and have self-control. She can’t simply follow her impulses to eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants. As a diabetic teenager someday, that discipline will help her when she is studying in high school.

The Thrill (and Chill) of Going All In
“I’m all in” -– three words every poker player loves to say. It’s do-or-die when you commit all your chips. So what does going all in as a father mean? It means making an all-out commitment to your kids.

Dropping them off or picking them up from daycare or school. Eating some dinners together as a family each week. Helping them solve problems with their friends. What commitments do you make on a consistent basis?

Fatherhood brings lots of work and responsibility, so going all in can be chilling -– a daunting task with little reward. If you think of all the little ways you’re building a relationship with your kids, going all in is thrilling -– and many of the rewards come years later. But that kind of sums up parenting doesn’t it?

By Mark Borowski

2005-08-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

How Is Peaceful Parenting® Different?

Peaceful Parenting® ideas are very different from other kinds of parenting practices that you have learned or read about. Certainly it is harder to practice Peaceful Parenting® than to simply threaten or bribe your child into following your directions or making what you consider to be the “right” choices. But what is the heart of the difference between Peaceful Parenting® and other programs?

Simply put, Peaceful Parenting® follows the idea that human beings are internally motivated. Children (and parents) do what they do because of what is going on inside of them. The world outside of the child (and the parents) gives the child information. But the child decides what to do with this information based on what is going on inside the child at the time.

So when you ask your 7-year old to come inside for supper, your child hears your request as information. Based on what is going on for this child, he will behave accordingly. One child might decide to run inside as you have asked because he is very hungry. Or another child might decide to play one more inning of kick ball with her friends. Yes, she has heard your request. Yes, she wants to eat supper. But she also wants to play one more inning because it is her turn to kick and she knows she will kick the winning run!

Contrary to what you may have learned in other parenting programs, children cannot be manipulated into behaving just as we want them to. Unfortunately there is a lot of information in our culture that would lead parents to believe that they can, should and must control their children.

The reality is that people are not easily controlled. In fact the very urge to control others may result in those others resisting harder because they do not want to feel controlled. If people were as easily manipulated and controlled as our culture represents you too would be easily controlled and manipulated.

For instance, do you have the ability to resist buying everything that is advertised to you in the media? Of course you do! Even the “bribes,” positive reinforcements or carrots the advertisers offer with rebates and sale prices does not mean that you must purchase every thing, willy nilly. You decide to purchase a product because you need or want a specific item, not because of the enticement of advertising.

Do you have the ability to resist your child’s unhealthy or inappropriate request? Even when your child punishes you by telling you she “hates you” or “won’t love you any more if you don’t give in to her way,” you still have the ability to stick by your decision to answer your child’s request with a firm “no” response. No matter how hard your child tries to externally control you, you can make a reasonable decision.

So why do we think it is otherwise with children? Simply because our children are smaller, less experienced and younger does not mean they are any more easily controlled or manipulated using external rewards and punishments.

Peaceful Parenting® means you understand your children are internally motivated by their genetic instructions for safety, love, power, fun and freedom. Practicing Peaceful Parenting® means you understand that you are also internally motivated by your genetic instructions for safety, love, power, fun and freedom. Both parents and children experience the urge to control one another because parents and children are both born with the urge for power. Luckily we are also born with an urge for love. Our desire to stay connected with one another hopefully ameliorates our desire to win and control each other. Understanding this means the desire to follow Peaceful Parenting® ideas. It is harder, more challenging and more rewarding than trying to control our children using external control ideas. Peaceful Parenting® also is more respectful of your child’s capacities to learn and become a responsible adult.

By Nancy Buck

2005-08-07T04:42:00.000-07:00

Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting

Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment.

Angie was a good girl. She did well in school and did what she was told, but was often sad and lonely and never felt important. When she married and had her own children, she knew that she didn’t want to treat her children the way she had been treated. She wanted to consider their feelings and needs. She wanted them to feel valued and important.

Angie was a very loving mother. She spent lots of time with her children, playing with them, listening to them, and giving them much affection and approval. However, because it was so vital to Angie that her children feel valued and important, she often put herself aside and gave in to their demands. Because Angie had never felt important, it was easy to put herself aside. She actually believed that her children’s feelings and needs were more important than hers. As a result, Angie swung the other way from her own upbringing and became a permissive parent.

The consequences for Angie of authoritarian parenting was that she didn’t value herself. The results for her children of permissive parenting was that her children grew up with entitlement issues, thinking they were more important than others, and often not being caring and respectful toward others.

Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting. Loving parenting is parenting that values both the parents’ and the children’s feelings and needs. Loving parents do not attempt to control their children – other than in actual situations of health and safety - nor do they allow their children to control them. They do not violate their children with anger, blame, or hitting, nor do they allow their children to violate them. They do not expect their children to give themselves for others, nor do they give themselves up for their children.

Loving parents are parents who deeply value themselves enough to not worry about being rejected by their children. They are willing to set solid limits on unacceptable behavior and are not available to being manipulated by their children. Their identities are not tied into their children’s performance in school or in other activities, such as sports. Nor are their identities tied up in how their children look. They are accepting of who their children are as individuals, even when their children are very different from them. They do not impose their way of being onto their children, yet at the same time they solidly reinforce a value system that includes honesty, integrity, caring, compassion, kindness and empathy.

As much as we want to be loving parents, unless we have done our own inner work to heal our own deep fears of rejection and domination, we will automatically be acting out of these fears without being consciously aware of it. If you grew up with fears of rejection and/or domination, you will automatically protect against these fears in your relationships with your children. You may find yourself trying to control them out of a fear of being controlled or rejected by them. You might be controlling with your anger or with your giving in and giving yourself up. Fears of rejection can manifest with children through trying to control them with anger, or through trying to control their love through giving yourself up to them. Fears of domination can manifest through controlling them with anger or violence to avoid being controlled by them. Insecurities can manifest through attempting to get your children to perform in the way you want in order to define your worth.

In one way or another, whatever is unhealed within you will surface in your behavior with your children. Raising healthy children means first healing the wounded child within you – the part of you that has your fears and insecurities, and your desire to protect against rejection and domination.

Our society has swung back and forth between authoritarian and permissive parenting and the result of both is far less than desirable. We have only to look at the number of people taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, as well as the number of alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as the rise of crime and the number of people in prisons, to know that neither method works to raise healthy individuals.

Perhaps it is time to accept that we need to be in the process of healing ourselves before becoming parents.

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

2005-08-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

Valuable Parenting Tip

Very often, new parents rely on a parenting tip or two which is passed to them by their own folks, who are now grandparents and usually have plenty of reliable advice to share. If this sort of parenting tip and advice is not available however, new parents could run into all sorts of problems while trying to raise a healthy baby.

Attending a few lessons at a parenting class where valuable knowledge and all kinds of parenting tips are passed along and shared could rectify this lack of basic skills. New parents who don't have a readily available source of the parenting tip or guidance could also research books on the subject of parenting, which are full of knowledge and feature many a tried-and-tested parenting tip. The resulting knowledge, discussion and available parenting tips will help new parents to understand and better cope with the demands of child rearing.

The arrival of a newborn baby can be a truly joyous occasion for all concerned and attending a parenting class for new parents could enhance this happiness. However, if the parents have no prior knowledge of child rearing or a parenting tip, this joy could turn to anger and frustration as the weeks pass by.

Not all new parents are fortunate enough to have a reliable support system to lean on during those early years and lack even the most basic parenting tip or advice! Mistakes are often made when a parenting tip is lacking during these stressful times. These parenting tip mistakes affect both the baby and partners, and often frazzled nerves lead to emotional depression, anger and resentment. Arguments are usually the outcome as stressed parents with no parenting tip to guide them vie with each other when making child care decisions.

A lack of parenting class or child rearing knowledge means parents have no clear parenting tip to light the way and find it difficult to achieve responsible baby care. This frustration could be lessened to a large extent if these parents were able to attend a parenting class.

When discussing parenting tip availability, it is wise to remember that there are many other people who might also benefit from a parenting class. Not only are new parents the usual candidates for a parenting class, but often those who have been parents for years reap the benefit of a parenting tip as well.

Parents never stop learning about their children and a parenting tip is often just what they need during times of confusion. Our children have many things to adjust to which they often have difficulty with and parents can apply their specific parenting tip when necessary.

If children encounter difficult times during their lives, they often react with unmanageable behavior and this is when their parents need parenting tip advice the most. In cases of divorce, for example, the new stepparent can gain valuable insights when attending a parenting class and discussing step parenting with other like-minded people.

It is not always easy to become a stepparent and any parenting tip on this issue could prove helpful for those who are trying to provide positive parenting effects for all their family members.

A parenting tip for stepparents attending a parenting class would teach them how to turn unrealistic expectations in realistic ones. A good parenting tip and advice learnt in parenting class helps stepparents to understand what their obligations are and where to draw the line.

Many marriages that come complete with children fail and stepparents can learn much from parenting class on how to avoid such statistics where possible. A parent who wishes to learn as much about parenting should attend parenting class and apply the parenting tips learnt there to daily life. Thus attending a parenting class could result in a well-balanced family life with relaxed parents and children who utilize the valuable parenting tips they have learnt there.

By K. Perry

2005-08-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

Single Parenting: How The Challenge Of Single Parenting Affects Your Decision To Divorce

Single parenting has seemingly become an acceptable norm which is unfortunate. According to the US Census Bureau, there were over 20 million single parents in the United States in the year 2000. That's a staggering statistic, certainly the worldwide number of people who are challenged with single parenting is exponentially higher.

When making a divorce decision and you have children, its natural to wonder about the challenges of single parenting and how it will affect your children. You may have seen other people struggle with single parenting or thought about the strain single parenting would seemingly put on you and your children.

Single Parenting Is Easier If You Know Yourself.

When deciding about getting a divorce and thinking about how single parenting figures in, make sure that you know yourself. Ask yourself if you're really ready to get divorced and if you can overcome the fear or challenge of single parenting. Don't be hasty with your decision, who knows? Maybe your marriage can be saved! Then again, maybe not.

Know yourself...know whether or not you're thinking of single parenting solely to take something away from your spouse...clearly a selfish and useless reason to be a single parent. Know whether or not you can adequately be a single parent based on your inner strength, work ethic, tendencies towards being overly busy, etc.

Single parenting is tough, what you may be able to take for granted as a married person will be gone if you're thinking of trying single parenting. Chances are if you're thinking of trying single parenting, you won't have much time at all for yourself...in essence, your 'self' will be all about your children. Know whether you're really ready for this...after all your children deserve the best care possible!

Single Parenting Is Easier If You Know Your Children.

Yes, you have to really know your children...you have to know how they'll respond to a plethora of changes if you're going to try single parenting. How will they respond to not seeing your spouse - Mom or Dad - as often? How will your children react to having to be dropped off at your ex-spouses house for visitation? How will the children feel about potentially not enjoying the same luxuries or attention that they may have had previously? Of course, there's more questions to ask to fit your particular situation...keep your children's best interest at heart.

You absolutely must know your children in order to be comfortable about trying single parenting. Granted, it won't be easy and there will be rocky points in the process, but if you know your children well enough single parenting can be productive assuming your marriage cannot be saved. In any event, your children most likely will have to sacrifice if you're going to try single parenting.

Single Parenting Will Be Easier If You Review Your Finances And Plan Accordingly.

Whether the concept is shallow or not is irrelevant. Finances (or lack thereof) figure in to your decision to venture into single parenting. Take a hard look at what your finances will allow for if you're thinking of becoming a single parent. You must not let emotion completely rule your decision to try single parenting. In order to do what's best for you and your children, you need to assess just how you'll make ends meet and how you'll provide for them...and yourself!

Be sensible and take a good amount of time to figure out how you'll live, where the money will come from, how your own freedoms will be compromised, and more importantly, how your children's freedoms will be affected!

If you have a well laid out plan with regards to finance before you start single parenting, you will be much better off.

Single parenting is hard and your children will be affected no matter how well off you are in your life with regards to finance and support mechanisms. But, unfortunately, single parenting can be a necessary thing to do in some instances. Just do right by your children and yourself and think about the future and how you can build your life correctly before you venture into single parenting.
By Karl Augustine

2005-08-06T04:46:00.000-07:00

The Family Guy - Parenting From a Single Dad's Perspective

It was a hot summer day in august and The courthouse was without cold air. I wiped my brow as I entered the crowded courtroom. Several times I had appeared in family court, petitioning to get custody of my children. On each occasion I left the courtroom alone. The court had taken the girl's mothers rights away, but fighting through all the red tape had dragged on for two years.

I did all I could to keep my faith. Then came that magical day. The girls were coming home with me! Wait a minute; the girls were coming home with me! Do they mean today?

I fell to my knees,right there outside the courtroom. Fighting my tears of joy I thanked god for the miracles he had blessed me with. I asked for his guidance. I asked him to help me be the best father I could be and told him I could not do it without him.

Soon we were in the car and heading home. I glanced at them in the mirror, as they smiled ear to ear. They were my angels and I felt overwhelmed with joy, smiling all the way home. Has a man ever been so blessed as I was on that magical day?

Now it was time to put my parenting skills into action. I put on the superdad cape and transformed into The Family Guy.

Right about this time Faith had just turned 8, and Elissa was 5. At first I let them eat what they want, bathe when the want, and go to sleep when they wanted. This wasn't working for me, so nice daddy had to set som rules and bondaries.

The girls were soon given chores to help out around the house. They put up quite a resistance at first, but after they lost some of their privelages they quietly surrendered.

Two years have passed and the three of us are very happy. I work from home so we get to spend alot of time together. I love my role as The Family Guy. I am blessed to have such amazing girls who are so loving and giving. Sometimes they call me Mister Mom. Sometimes they just call me daddy, but my greatest happiness comes each night, hearing their precious voices call me to tuck them into bed.
By Jay Bartels

2005-08-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

The Challenges of Single Parenting

Having worked with parents for the last 35 years and written books on parenting and relationships, I’ve discovered that one of the greatest challenges for us as parents is to be loving role-models for our children, showing our children through our behavior how to take personal responsibility for their own feelings and needs. Our children need to learn from our role-modeling how to nurture themselves within and how to create a sense of safety in the world. In families where both a mother and father are present, both parents can participate in nurturing the child emotionally and taking care of the child in the world, and both parents can role-model what it looks like to do this for themselves.

Single parents have a far greater challenge - they have to be both mother and father to the child. Mothering energy is that energy that nurtures while fathering energy is that energy that protects in the world - that is, earning money, setting boundaries with others, speaking up for oneself. While our society often defines women as the nurturers and men as the protectors, both men and women are capable of both nurturing and protecting in the world.

In order for a single parent to successfully be both mother and father, he or she must have learned how to be both mother and father to the Child within. In other words, we have to have learned how to nurture our own Inner Child - how to take responsibility for our own fears, pain, anger, hurt, and disappointment, and how to take care of our Inner Child in the world - earn money, set boundaries, and so on. There is no way to successfully teach our children these skills until we are doing them ourselves, which means that each of us needs to be in a process of learning how to do this.

We have developed a process that teaches us how to care for and nurture ourselves, while also loving others. This process, called Inner Bonding, teaches us how to become a loving Adult to our own Inner Child and to our actual children. Inner Bonding is a six-step psychospiritual process that can be learned and practiced daily, and that leads to the development of a spiritually-connected loving inner Adult.

Inner Bonding defines the Inner Child as our core self, who we are when we are born - our natural creativity, intuition, playfulness, imagination, talents, feelings, and ability to love. Our Child is our inner experience. Our Adult is everything we learn after we are born. It is our thoughts, beliefs, and ability to take action. We start learning how to be an Adult from the moment we are born through watching our parents and other caregivers. The Adult we learn to be is a child-adult, the part of us that learned many fears and false beliefs and learned addictive ways, such as using substances, TV, spending, anger, or compliance to avoid pain. A true loving Adult is that part of us that is spiritually connected to a Higher Source of truth and love and is able to bring that truth and love down into the Child and share it with others. The adult many of us operate from most of the time is really a wounded child masquerading as an adult. It is our unhealed wounded self that causes us problems with ourselves and our children. Inner Bonding is a process for healing the wounded self and developing a spiritually-connected loving Adult.

In Inner Bonding, there are only two possible intents at any given moment: the intent to learn about love and the intent to protect against and avoid pain. The intent to learn says that we want to learn about our own pain in order to understand what we need to do to be loving to our Inner Child and others; The intent to protect says that we want to avoid experiencing our pain at all cost. The child-adult is always in the intent to protect and the loving Adult is always in the intent to learn.

The six-steps of Inner Bonding are:

1. The willingness to become aware of our pain rather than protect against it with our various addictions.

2. The conscious decision to move into the intent to learn.

3. Dialoguing with our wounded self to discover the false beliefs and resulting behavior behind the pain. Releasing anger and pain in appropriate ways.

4. Dialoguing with our Higher Power to learn about truth and loving behavior.

5. Taking loving action in behalf or our Inner Child.

6. Evaluating the action.

All parents needs to be in a process of healing themselves. It is particularly important for single parents to be in this process since they are the primary role-models for their children. The more you heal the fears and false beliefs of your wounded self, the more loving you will naturally be with yourself and your children. Learning to utilize these six step throughout the day, especially in times of anger, fear, anxiety and stress, will eventually heal the false beliefs leading to these difficult feelings.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.